chris-kalani

Latest Posts by chris-kalani

i wonder if anyone i know will find this account. will they know it's me? i mean, if i leave a link to it like on my discord or something maybe. just depends on if they opt to click on it or not.

if you aren't someone i know and you found this blog, i'm sorry i don't have much to offer you. well, i guess that goes for anyone really. these are just the ramblings of someone losing their mind very slowly.

i'm building up disorders like uh, pokemon. yeah. got autism, probably some form of ptsd, and recently got diagnosed with some form of dissociative disorder thing. probably other stuff i don't remember. i don't think of writing that stuff down. it's been a bit since our last meeting i can't remember the specifics, really. just the big things.

i've been making vague progress in therapy. very vague. but hey figuring out what's wrong with me is the whole point, even if it makes the list of problems longer and we're nowhere close to making my whole "existence" situation better. still progress. take what you can get.

not only that, but i'm still here. somehow. gotta be honest, i'm impressed by that. thought i wouldn't even make it to 2020 let alone 2024, and hell we're nearing 2025 as i write this. i'll be 23 next year.

i'm not makin it to 30 though let's be realistic here.

then again, it's 12:32AM maybe it's just doom posting hours idk.

i will say, i'd like to open up my little mental bunker. let all that repressed emotion out. let the insanity consume me. see what happens. could be fun.

well, maybe not ALL the insanity. i'm a bit tired of constantly imagining false conversations and interactions with people i know to keep myself from feeling so alone on a daily basis. i could do without that.

combine that with my oddly realistic dreams and you got a person with a VERY fucked up memory.

lost my pfp a while ago (like a couple months i think?). not sure why or when exactly it happened. still weird. i haven't opted to replace it because i don't really have anything good to replace it with atm.

i hate money

every single purchase feels like a massive task no matter how small. i even feel cautious about gifts as i don't want people spending money on me.

the only time people spending money on me is "okay", is like, christmas. i'm not too keen on my birthday generally so yeah only christmas. even then it's still like, weird for me.

i can't buy things i need or want, not because i don't have the money, but because number go down. i feel like if the number goes down even a little it's massively negative thing. i feel like the only time it should go down is for things i don't have much of a choice in.

i feel like i'm on my death bed.

looking around, calling out, trying to get anyone's attention.

doesn't matter who notices, i just don't want to die alone.

i don't understand how i do this. i fuck up everything. i'm too weak and useless to be useful to anyone and i fucking burn everything i touch.

i've been stuck in a pit of depression for years upon years, and so many people have tried to help me. i don't remember the last time i felt happy and safe and like my life meant something. it never did. my life still means nothing.

if i've been like this for so long, and medication and the help of others can't help, then what's the point? why am i still here? there's no point to living anymore, and there never was for me.

if i am kept alive i'll continue going scorched earth on everything i touch and more people will get hurt.

i'm not worth saving.

words cannot describe the sheer extent, to which i wish to absolutely tear myself apart and reduce myself to nothing.

man playing some tf2 someone was really toxic. i ended being a little toxic back and felt horrible. like, i wasn't nearly to the same degree as them, but still. i normally barely say anything.

i'd report them but it'd feel a bit hypocritical since i was kinda mean back. i got possessed by the mean gamer for a couple sentences back there.

minecraft bedrock edition feels like a skinwalker version of minecraft. you know what i mean? like it looks like minecraft, but it just feels wrong. and not even in a fun surreal way. like a corporate skinwalker.

i woke up a few times last night. each time i went to sleep i had a new nightmare with a new plot. 3-4 unique nightmares in one night. even though it sucked to experience, i gotta respect the hustle from my brain. couldn't have been easy to create so many personal hells in one night.

i don't want to simply be told that everything will be okay. that's meaningless to me. just empty words.

i need everything to be soundly proven it will be okay, without a shadow of a doubt.

but with so many spiraling thoughts in my head, it's a fight against my mind you'll never win.

i'll never win.

i'm going to spiral forever.

i'm going to feel sick forever.

i'm going to be scared forever.

calling for help is still instinctual, even if i know it's meaningless.

i don't know what else to do.

Disliking something that a large majority of people love is a feeling I can never seem to get past. I will spend hours upon hours trying to understand why on earth I struggle enjoying a piece of media that is so widely loved. "Everyone likes (x) and I don't, so do I just not understand it? Am I too stupid to enjoy this?" is typically my first thought process. This leads to me trying my hardest to get as invested as I can, to really experience that piece of media to a definitively absurd extent.

For example, I have nearly 1,000 hours invested into Terraria and have even 100% the game's achievements (well, before the last update that added a few more). Of course, some of this time is also from much older versions of the game and time obtained through the years since I first started playing during 1.1 on mobile, shortly later getting the PC version on 1.2. Video games were not common for young me to have, so a lot of playtime was likely simply due to it being one of the few games I owned. Even then however, I'd never actually 'beat' the game until a few patches into 1.3. My experience with Terraria has been filled with hours of grinding, attempting bosses MANY times, and a general difficulty to even see what is happening on my screen as everything visually melts together. Not to mention being interrupted by random events, forcing me to stop whatever I'm doing to get involved since who knows when I'll be able to do that event again. The other difficulties available as well, namely Expert, feels downright sadistic forcing me to grind even more to give me even somewhat of a reasonable chance of survival. I could keep going, but I think I've made my point.

Even after all of that, I still feel like I'm simply missing something. Some magical single puzzle piece that'd make everything click into place and make go "Oh! Now I get it! This is amazing!".

From the labyrinthian nightmares of classic Doom (and similar 90s fps) to the surprisingly stressful experience I had with Spirited Away, I can't help but feel like I'm just...broken in a way that prevents me from enjoying things that thousands of other people enjoy. I feel alien.

ok so i'm gonna post about something different than the usual, since i've had this on my mind for a long time now. also excuse some fucky typing i just woke up.

i genuinely do not think scott cawthon is a bad person. it was quite a while ago at this point since scott made those donations to those republicans, and i genuinely believe he had no idea what they were doing. two things happened after the post that revealed his donations.

the first was a post scott made defending only the fact he was voting on the right, because at this point he likely thinks that was the only part of the drama. right leaning youtubers and whatnot praised him for "not backing down" and standing with his politics in the face of backlash.

the second happened very shortly after. scott backed down. he announced a pseudo-retirement and has been trying to move the franchise's management to other people (steel wool, clickteam, etc.). this is when he realized those politicians' opinions on the lgbt community was. he donated money to the trevor project and has done so a couple more times since then iirc. i don't know exactly where to see all his donations to charities 'cause he's done so many of them. i know that doesn't fix very much, but this boomer is trying to atone for what he did.

i am aware that he is still likely right leaning due to his christian background (which is interesting considering his seemingly rocky history with christianity, but maybe that's not for us to pry into), but that was also quite a while ago. he also lives in a red state and if you're just a observer that doesn't look too far into politicians you vote for, only using their campaign ads as a reference point, then yeah people might make bad decisions. and scott has somewhat of a bad track record on accidently hiring not-so good people because he just kinda grabs random-ass people who, on the quick glance, made something neat.

scott isn't a bad guy, and he is very much aware of how much of his community is lgbt. he even has many characters in fnaf who definitely stray from the normal hetero stuff. his main focus on voting right-leaning was money/economic concerns (which is still a high focus for people on the right who will blindly vote for someone if they say they've got like a good economic plan or something. capitalism and all that, but that's a whole other topic i'm too tired to talk about).

maybe i'm an idiot. personally, i hate politics in general and how much it tears people apart. i hate this is all a thing that happened in the first place,

bleh. i probably didn't do a good job at trying to defend him. probably should have done this when i was more awake but with fnaf gaining popularity again i've already seen people bring all this up again. just wanted to say something, even if it sounded dumb and idiotic.

i have made the realization that i occasionally forget to breathe

not in a "take deep breaths to calm down" kind of way. more in a general sense.

i am horrified to be myself

i am scared of what others would think of me

i am holding so much of myself back, and i've been doing so for so long

trying to break that fear, i feel like there came a point where i was no longer keeping things hidden, but actively forgetting them

how do i regain what i've lost?

i am actively avoiding things i like and going back to things i don't.

why

i don't feel comfortable in my house

hopefully i can sleep tonight.

last night i kept waking up like, every 15-30 minutes. to be quite honest, i'm not sure if i ever did go to sleep in the first place. not seeing anything for a period of time could just mean my eyes were closed.

i do think however i did dream a couple of times...i think? maybe?

i just want to sleep and feel well rested for once. nothing seems to help.

i am 100% aware of the fact that i hate myself.

if you think self-awareness is going to encourage me to actually do something about it you are very very

wrong.

i know things i could do to make myself happier, but i won't. even attempts at removing things from my life i actively dislike, i still feel a desire to go back to them.

i've found that pain is a lot easier of a feeling to maintain. happiness always feels fleeting. i just want to feel something. there's nothing here for me besides the same collection of walls i've known for my whole life.

what is the most 'nothing' you can be? human is too much, animal is still something, a robot would be neat, but those are manmade and would be bound to have issues of their own.

i guess there's ghosts, but who knows how that works. it'd be nice if you could just endlessly wander like a spectator mode for life. just observe everything.

although, you might get bored of that eventually.

i envy other people's childhoods

that's not to say there were some good bits to my own, but those good bits could have still existed anyway.

and i know a 'normal' childhood still wouldn't have been possible, given my autism and all.

but at least there would have been an attempt where i didn't live sheltered in constant fear of everything and maybe people cared for my disability (and even knew of it) instead of yelling at me.

i'm still scared.

i fucking hate sonic.exe and any sort of creepypasta that takes some form of kid's media and royally fucks it up in a similar way.

i saw sonic.exe and the tails doll shit when i was little and that shit scared me so bad i didn't play a sonic game for a couple of years. even just looking at the normal versions of the characters spurred those memories of the stupid fucking creepypastas in my head.

please don't follow me.

thanks.

got self-concious and wiped my account. turns out not having anything posted makes porn bots follow you like crazy.