I Am 100% Aware Of The Fact That I Hate Myself.

please don't follow me.

thanks.

what is the most 'nothing' you can be? human is too much, animal is still something, a robot would be neat, but those are manmade and would be bound to have issues of their own.

i guess there's ghosts, but who knows how that works. it'd be nice if you could just endlessly wander like a spectator mode for life. just observe everything.

although, you might get bored of that eventually.

i envy other people's childhoods

that's not to say there were some good bits to my own, but those good bits could have still existed anyway.

and i know a 'normal' childhood still wouldn't have been possible, given my autism and all.

but at least there would have been an attempt where i didn't live sheltered in constant fear of everything and maybe people cared for my disability (and even knew of it) instead of yelling at me.

i'm still scared.

i fucking hate sonic.exe and any sort of creepypasta that takes some form of kid's media and royally fucks it up in a similar way.

i saw sonic.exe and the tails doll shit when i was little and that shit scared me so bad i didn't play a sonic game for a couple of years. even just looking at the normal versions of the characters spurred those memories of the stupid fucking creepypastas in my head.

i wonder if anyone i know will find this account. will they know it's me? i mean, if i leave a link to it like on my discord or something maybe. just depends on if they opt to click on it or not.

if you aren't someone i know and you found this blog, i'm sorry i don't have much to offer you. well, i guess that goes for anyone really. these are just the ramblings of someone losing their mind very slowly.

i'm building up disorders like uh, pokemon. yeah. got autism, probably some form of ptsd, and recently got diagnosed with some form of dissociative disorder thing. probably other stuff i don't remember. i don't think of writing that stuff down. it's been a bit since our last meeting i can't remember the specifics, really. just the big things.

i've been making vague progress in therapy. very vague. but hey figuring out what's wrong with me is the whole point, even if it makes the list of problems longer and we're nowhere close to making my whole "existence" situation better. still progress. take what you can get.

not only that, but i'm still here. somehow. gotta be honest, i'm impressed by that. thought i wouldn't even make it to 2020 let alone 2024, and hell we're nearing 2025 as i write this. i'll be 23 next year.

i'm not makin it to 30 though let's be realistic here.

then again, it's 12:32AM maybe it's just doom posting hours idk.

i will say, i'd like to open up my little mental bunker. let all that repressed emotion out. let the insanity consume me. see what happens. could be fun.

well, maybe not ALL the insanity. i'm a bit tired of constantly imagining false conversations and interactions with people i know to keep myself from feeling so alone on a daily basis. i could do without that.

combine that with my oddly realistic dreams and you got a person with a VERY fucked up memory.

ok so i'm gonna post about something different than the usual, since i've had this on my mind for a long time now. also excuse some fucky typing i just woke up.

i genuinely do not think scott cawthon is a bad person. it was quite a while ago at this point since scott made those donations to those republicans, and i genuinely believe he had no idea what they were doing. two things happened after the post that revealed his donations.

the first was a post scott made defending only the fact he was voting on the right, because at this point he likely thinks that was the only part of the drama. right leaning youtubers and whatnot praised him for "not backing down" and standing with his politics in the face of backlash.

the second happened very shortly after. scott backed down. he announced a pseudo-retirement and has been trying to move the franchise's management to other people (steel wool, clickteam, etc.). this is when he realized those politicians' opinions on the lgbt community was. he donated money to the trevor project and has done so a couple more times since then iirc. i don't know exactly where to see all his donations to charities 'cause he's done so many of them. i know that doesn't fix very much, but this boomer is trying to atone for what he did.

i am aware that he is still likely right leaning due to his christian background (which is interesting considering his seemingly rocky history with christianity, but maybe that's not for us to pry into), but that was also quite a while ago. he also lives in a red state and if you're just a observer that doesn't look too far into politicians you vote for, only using their campaign ads as a reference point, then yeah people might make bad decisions. and scott has somewhat of a bad track record on accidently hiring not-so good people because he just kinda grabs random-ass people who, on the quick glance, made something neat.

scott isn't a bad guy, and he is very much aware of how much of his community is lgbt. he even has many characters in fnaf who definitely stray from the normal hetero stuff. his main focus on voting right-leaning was money/economic concerns (which is still a high focus for people on the right who will blindly vote for someone if they say they've got like a good economic plan or something. capitalism and all that, but that's a whole other topic i'm too tired to talk about).

maybe i'm an idiot. personally, i hate politics in general and how much it tears people apart. i hate this is all a thing that happened in the first place,

bleh. i probably didn't do a good job at trying to defend him. probably should have done this when i was more awake but with fnaf gaining popularity again i've already seen people bring all this up again. just wanted to say something, even if it sounded dumb and idiotic.

words cannot describe the sheer extent, to which i wish to absolutely tear myself apart and reduce myself to nothing.

i don't understand how i do this. i fuck up everything. i'm too weak and useless to be useful to anyone and i fucking burn everything i touch.

i've been stuck in a pit of depression for years upon years, and so many people have tried to help me. i don't remember the last time i felt happy and safe and like my life meant something. it never did. my life still means nothing.

if i've been like this for so long, and medication and the help of others can't help, then what's the point? why am i still here? there's no point to living anymore, and there never was for me.

if i am kept alive i'll continue going scorched earth on everything i touch and more people will get hurt.

i'm not worth saving.

got self-concious and wiped my account. turns out not having anything posted makes porn bots follow you like crazy.

i have made the realization that i occasionally forget to breathe

not in a "take deep breaths to calm down" kind of way. more in a general sense.