I Don't Want To Simply Be Told That Everything Will Be Okay. That's Meaningless To Me. Just Empty Words.

i don't feel comfortable in my house

i am 100% aware of the fact that i hate myself.

if you think self-awareness is going to encourage me to actually do something about it you are very very

wrong.

i know things i could do to make myself happier, but i won't. even attempts at removing things from my life i actively dislike, i still feel a desire to go back to them.

i've found that pain is a lot easier of a feeling to maintain. happiness always feels fleeting. i just want to feel something. there's nothing here for me besides the same collection of walls i've known for my whole life.

i have made the realization that i occasionally forget to breathe

not in a "take deep breaths to calm down" kind of way. more in a general sense.

i feel like i'm on my death bed.

looking around, calling out, trying to get anyone's attention.

doesn't matter who notices, i just don't want to die alone.

words cannot describe the sheer extent, to which i wish to absolutely tear myself apart and reduce myself to nothing.

minecraft bedrock edition feels like a skinwalker version of minecraft. you know what i mean? like it looks like minecraft, but it just feels wrong. and not even in a fun surreal way. like a corporate skinwalker.

Disliking something that a large majority of people love is a feeling I can never seem to get past. I will spend hours upon hours trying to understand why on earth I struggle enjoying a piece of media that is so widely loved. "Everyone likes (x) and I don't, so do I just not understand it? Am I too stupid to enjoy this?" is typically my first thought process. This leads to me trying my hardest to get as invested as I can, to really experience that piece of media to a definitively absurd extent.

For example, I have nearly 1,000 hours invested into Terraria and have even 100% the game's achievements (well, before the last update that added a few more). Of course, some of this time is also from much older versions of the game and time obtained through the years since I first started playing during 1.1 on mobile, shortly later getting the PC version on 1.2. Video games were not common for young me to have, so a lot of playtime was likely simply due to it being one of the few games I owned. Even then however, I'd never actually 'beat' the game until a few patches into 1.3. My experience with Terraria has been filled with hours of grinding, attempting bosses MANY times, and a general difficulty to even see what is happening on my screen as everything visually melts together. Not to mention being interrupted by random events, forcing me to stop whatever I'm doing to get involved since who knows when I'll be able to do that event again. The other difficulties available as well, namely Expert, feels downright sadistic forcing me to grind even more to give me even somewhat of a reasonable chance of survival. I could keep going, but I think I've made my point.

Even after all of that, I still feel like I'm simply missing something. Some magical single puzzle piece that'd make everything click into place and make go "Oh! Now I get it! This is amazing!".

From the labyrinthian nightmares of classic Doom (and similar 90s fps) to the surprisingly stressful experience I had with Spirited Away, I can't help but feel like I'm just...broken in a way that prevents me from enjoying things that thousands of other people enjoy. I feel alien.

i am horrified to be myself

i am scared of what others would think of me

i am holding so much of myself back, and i've been doing so for so long

trying to break that fear, i feel like there came a point where i was no longer keeping things hidden, but actively forgetting them

how do i regain what i've lost?

i hate money

every single purchase feels like a massive task no matter how small. i even feel cautious about gifts as i don't want people spending money on me.

the only time people spending money on me is "okay", is like, christmas. i'm not too keen on my birthday generally so yeah only christmas. even then it's still like, weird for me.

i can't buy things i need or want, not because i don't have the money, but because number go down. i feel like if the number goes down even a little it's massively negative thing. i feel like the only time it should go down is for things i don't have much of a choice in.

got self-concious and wiped my account. turns out not having anything posted makes porn bots follow you like crazy.