The End Of My Relationship With My Daughter's Father. Best Thing I Ever Did ;)

Truth about parenting

Parenting takes more then just buying your kids gifts on Christmas and birthdays, and calling them several times a week. While money is also needed to pay for their cost of living. Child support payments DO NOT make up for lack of parenting.

Parenting takes love, understanding, compassion, encouragement, mentoring, and TIME. A lot of time to get all of that done for them. Children aren't some magical being that poofs into your life out of thin air and says, "You look like you need some chaos in your life. I'm moving in with you and calling you Dad\Mom". They have no say in when they are made, born, or to whom they are raised. WE make them, WE choose to carry them to term and birth them, WE choose to raise them. Until they turn 18, 16 in some states, they can't walk away from us and raise themselves. So we, as the responsible "adult" should owe up to our choices and actually do them in full. Not in part, or when it's convenient for us to.

Children need us to teach them how to dress, tie their shoes, make a basic (non-stove using) meal\snack for themselves, go potty alone, bath themselves, pick up their room when they are done playing, change the TV themselves, put in a movie on their own, read\write, tell time, count, add, talk, basic social skills, etc. They should be independent by age 13. At which point they need us to teach them responsibility and accountability of their own actions, and finding their way in life. (and now too, how to cook stove using meals) So they can take all that we've taught them in their first 13 years of life and apply them in actual day to day life. So that when they are legally old enough to be accountable as adults, they actually can be productive ADULTS that can support themselves.

Too often in families in which the parents are no longer in a relationship together. The non-custodial parent thinks acknowledging the child's existence is better then walking completely out of their lives like some worse parents do and never seeing or speaking to the child again. They do the bare minimal to be in their child's life and think that entitles them to be called Dad or Mom. NO IT DOESN'T! If you constantly have excuses to not be at school functions, to not be at their rehearsal\practice\games\etc, to not help them with their homework, to not take your child for a day or a weekend, or even a freaking afternoon... You do not deserve to be called anything then by your birth name. If you are nothing more then a paycheck and a phone call then you should be greeted on the phone by your child as "John" not Daddy, or "Mary" not Mom.

A 5 minute phone call to say 'hey how ya doing?' a few times a week makes you nothing more then a family friend. Hell, there are likely to be actual family friends that do more then you if that's all you do. Child support makes you nothing but a financial backer to the child's life. It does not make you a parent. You are not teaching that child anything other then how to be an irresponsible slacker.

Step up your game boys and girls!!! Children do grow up to see you for the worthless person you are to them and resent\hate you for it.

Your body makes you sexy. Your smile makes you pretty. But your personality makes you beautiful.

You kids today with your “cloud computers” and your “Googly Docs”…

One day I will have this with a man, and this will be our wedding march... lol (The instrumental of course)

The way we damage our kids

One may have the best intentions at heart and still be their child’s biggest bully in life. Why choosing your words wisely does NOT equate to “babying” your child.

We all want what is best for our children. We’re their parents, we love them. So it’s instinctual to want to see them happy, and to protect them. Part of that happiness is teaching them to love themselves unconditionally for who they are. As much, or more so, than you unconditionally love them. To embrace their personality, preferences, style, and sense of self. To ensure they have self-confidence, courage, pride, morals, ethics, respect, and love. 

Too often we let fear over shadow those efforts, and drive us to counter our own efforts. There is a meme constantly cycling through social media that I absolutely love. “We should not teach our children to change who they are to fit into a cruel, hard world. We should teach our children to be the change that makes the world a little less cruel and hard.” Many times we worry so much about what other people will think about how our child looks or acts, that we lecture our children not to be themselves. 

Let me just say this first: Letting your child be “themselves” should not translate into letting your child have free reign over everyone around them. You should not be condoning your child’s behavior if they are running around a store tearing things off the racks\shelves, tripping people as they cut them off to run past without a single apology shouted back at the person they nearly toppled, are throwing things at people, are taking items out the hands of other children without permission from that child to use it first, or are exhibiting any other negative behavior. Being disrespectful, rude, and obnoxious are teaching moments in which you as the parent should be correcting. Not because of what other people may think, but because it is what’s right. 

That out of the way...

Children try at an early age to express themselves. While they are still too young to know anything about the ‘fashion fads’ of the time, or what “the social norm” means, they express their personalities with the things around them. When they are toddlers we think it is the cutest thing to see our son try to dress himself by pulling out a pair of canary yellow shorts, powder blue tee, green socks, any 2 sneakers they find (whether they’re from the same matching pair or not), and Dad’s over sized hat. We’ll take a picture to commemorate the moment and let them strut around the house all day ever so proud of themselves because they performed a ‘big boy’ act. Or nearly split our sides giggling when our daughter tries to make her hair pretty by putting just about every bow or barrette she owns in her hair, pulling on a dress, and stepping into her Mom’s high heals. It is extremely easy to let our children express themselves when they are young and help them embrace their uniqueness. Mainly because we assume they do not know what they are doing and write it off as silly toddler behavior.

The challenge to continuing that message and nurture your child’s ability to express themselves and be comfortable in their own skin, is to continue that happy support after they are school age. (standard kindergartner age is 5) If your daughter asks you to split her hair in half, put the left half into a pony tail and curl it, then put the right half into a french braid because she thinks both styles are super pretty and would love to wear them both at the same time... You do it. Don’t tell her “Honey that will look foolish. I’m not paying for school pics with your hair looking ridiculous” or “No honey, people might laugh at you because your hair looks silly.” Doing so with such terminology emotionally harms the child. A one off on rare occasion will just hurt her feelings by making her feel like the things she prefers, what makes her happy, her desires are foolish and not worth considering. She’ll wonder if anything she likes is worth considering or are people laughing at her instead of with her when they giggle at the site of something she does. Things we may actually be laughing with her on because we think it’s the cutest darn thing every, she will question. If you belittle her unique ideas of expression with such harsh words frequently enough she will start to think she’s not good enough. Her happiness is not important. Her feelings are irrelevant and matter not as a result of the constant shaming such words enforce on her for trying to express her personality. She may even begin to get upset when someone giggles at something she does as a result. She will feel like that giggle is ridicule from the harsh message you have taught her accidentally in your efforts to avoid her being teased at school. She will never believe someone is laughing at her for a good reason and the giggle of cuteness will become a weapon against her self-esteem each time she hears it. Instead of being a reinforcement of her confidence. She may not outwardly express that hurt when someone giggles by speaking up either. Mainly because she has learned to feel like her feelings and requests don’t matter. So why express hurt if happiness is such a crime to express? Your beautiful, playful, little girl will grow to be what society expects her to look and act like, but suffer inwardly with confidence and esteem issues, and will be that much more likely to suffer depression. She may never get bullied in her life at school because she conforms and fits in perfectly as you taught her to, but feel alone inwardly and hate herself. Feel like she’s being bullied at home and thinking you don’t love her half as much as you say you do. She will become that much more likely to go down the wrong path in life, and get mixed up with bad boyfriends who will pick up the torch and emotionally\verbally abuse her.

If you genuinely do not agree with the hairstyle she picked for her school pictures you should talk her into an alternate with respect and positive wording. So she knows you value her idea and think it is a great thing that she wants to express herself so uniquely. Preferably in a compromise that gives her what she wants in a way that wont make her stand out too much in a crowd. “That sounds like a really neat idea princess. I’m a little worried it may be unbalanced. You could get a headache with a pony tail on one side only. How about we split your hair in half by doing a top and bottom style instead of a left and right style? I can make the top half of your hair into pig tails and curl the hair like you want. Then I’ll french braid the bottom half of your hair. It will still be the cutest thing ever and all the girls will think you invented the best hair style.” This way you only see her with pig tails in the school pictures, anyone seeing her walking their way will only see the pig tails, and only the few walking behind her or that look back after she passes will know there is a second style there. (Or if you make the top half a lone pony tail and curl it like she asked, and the bottom a french braid the pony tail be sit over the braid and hide it) And it will actually be a passive enough alternative to a wild style for her to get away with. So you pull off sparing her from being taunted upon arrival at school for her quirky idea, possibly make it better so other girls may actually want to copy it, and she gets her way. Keeping that confidence you did so well those first 5 years to build in tact. ;) 

There is always a positive way to steer your children away from the things you feel society will brand as “over the top” to protect them from ridicule without actually being the one that ridicules them. Children should feel safe in their own homes and in the presence of their parents. They should not feel as if their parents are their biggest bullies and fear doing anything original in front of you. We should be their supporters, not their haters and harshest criticizers.

And hey... if they do get teased by someone for something they chose to do as a means of expressing their individuality. Well... You talk them through it. Comfort them, reassure them, and explain to them that there are people out there in the world that don’t know how to handle things they do not understand. So they say mean things or do mean things because they were never taught by their parents how to positively express their confusion and gain clarity on something. Nor learned how to disagree with someone’s choices that differ from their own in a nice way. Ensure they know that what that person said or did is not their fault, but the fault of the other person and they should not let it get them down. Teach them to over come the hurt, because they will eventually grow up and move out. You can’t be there 24/7 for the rest of their lives to shield them from mean things. Support their emotions and help them learn to rise above and beyond it. Just never be the one instilling it upon them in your efforts to avoid them having to face it.

Diversity is human nature

I shook my head and “tsk” at the people who up-roared over the Cheerios commercial. Thought to myself “Why do some people go out of their way to hate?” More to the point “Why do they go even further out of their way to spread their hate and try to convince the masses it is ‘Gods’ will to hate, segregate, oppress, and degrade?” People are not born to hate. Babies do not show disgust or fear towards specific types of people. Nor do they act out towards any specific types of people. If anything, the first time a child is instructed to not associate or communicate with a specific class of person they respond with confusion and request to know why. Hate, in any form is taught. Taught to us by our parents, family, and their churches.

If God created people in his image, than how we are born is how he wants us to be. As it is the true reflection of who his is. Those who carry hate and live to teach it and preach it are the ones going against God. Not those who believe in human equality for all and the right to live how you feel fits you.

Let’s all remember something here. Every book of God was written by MAN. Years after Jesus lived and died. Originally written to preserve the story of Jesus and the words of God as they had been told. We all know how the telephone game works right? I think every child has played it at one point in their life. Things get lost in time and re-told inaccurately.

The scriptures are man’s interpretation of God’s word. His understanding of what God wanted based on the how history was re-told to them at the time they were written. The variations to follow were just yet another man’s interpretation of what God meant for his children. So in all honesty, because Jesus himself never wrote a book to tell us what God wanted for us, no one KNOWS what is wrong or right. What is sin and what is not. What God will forgive us for and what he will not.

Those who preach hate and throw stones (metaphoric or other) at people who live differently than the “good” book says we should be living... THEY may actually be the ones to be judged at the pearly gates. Deemed the true sinners who betrayed God’s will for not being humble, kind, forgiving, loving, and compassionate to all fellow man regardless of skin color, sexual orientation, or if they married before having sex and never divorced. NOBODY KNOWS!! Let me say that again. NO - BODY KNOWS!!! The bibles are not FACT. So drop your stones and just live and let live.

BRAVO to J&J for their latest series of ads!!! You get it!!

Belated "Ground Rules" in a relationship

Unless you're still in Jr High and are dating your first boyfriend\girlfriend ever, you should relate to the immaturity of belated 'ground rules' in a relationship. Seriously... "ground rules" for what each person feels is appropriate behavior, boundaries on types of and\or gender of friends, and how to balance your time evenly between your job\school with your friends & new relationship should all be laid out on the table and made definitive and finite as soon as you both realize you are getting 'serious'. There is nothing that turns me off more then being 6 months to 2 years into a relationship with a guy\girl and all of a sudden BAM!!! Things they were "ok" with are suddenly relationship ending no-no's that must end. o_O???

I'm sure most of us have dealt with the most common of these belated ground rules: No friendships allowed with the opposite sex! (-____-)

WORSE....When its a bias belated ground rule because they themselves have friends of the opposite sex. The infamous 'lil sisters' they love so much. *eye roll*

If you KNEW I grew up as "just one of the guys" and played sports and watch sports now as an adult, and had ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM with me going to watch games at the sports bar or live at the stadium with my guy friends when we met.... You have no business getting pissed about it 4 years later!!! Especially if I proactively chose to tune it down looooong before you started having 'issues' with it out of respect for our relationship, because I'd rather do these things with you then them. If you've met and chilled with these guy friends of mine (and when doing group hangs - their girlfriends) your damn self. You have all their numbers in your own cell phone and they are on your Facebook just the same as they are on mine. Why the sudden insecurity? If I'm down to only seeing them at New Year's parties, annual cook outs they host (and you attend with me) and all of our respective birthday gatherings.... Why have an issue with the occasional Facebook comment saying 'hello' or the even rarer text\phone call. Most comical is when they call me for advice on saving their relationships and you insist they go through you 1st before talking to me about it. 

It's been 2 years since this drama started creeping into our now 6 year relationship, and I've reached the end of my tolerance with him about it. See, it's been my collective experience as the universal "little sister" that all my boys talk to about their problems that this only happens when the following has happened:

The only reason they were cool with the guy friends in the beginning is because they saw you as a jump off or short term GF at first. So they were exploring other options at the time and didn't care if you were doing the same. Once shit got real for them they decided it was time to reign you in before Karma bit them in the ass.

They were genuinely the loving, trusting, great guy they portrayed themselves as in the beginning but something changed. Either 1 of their 'lil sisters' stepped up and confessed feeling for him all this time and it trying to sleep with him. Making him scared you will do the same with 1 of your boys. (This one I feel opens the door to a new realm of issues that I'll save for another blog)

OR: He actually cheated on you recently and now he's worried Karma will bit him in the ass. So he's trying to do damage control by limiting your opportunities to get him back.

Reason 1 & 3 happen most often so I favor thinking, if he hasn't suddenly stopped talking to one of his 'lil sisters' recently as much as he used to... You need to boot his ass out the door!!!

Ladies and Gents... We all just need to be real straight out the gate and stay real. No script flipping halfway into filming the movie. Be honest, be faithful, and BE YOU and stop the bullshit! ;)

Rihann & Chris Brown Re-uniting

Its kinda beginning to piss me off that people are running their mouths about Rihanna getting back together with Chris Brown. I'd like to first say that I agree what he did was deplorable and evil. I personally feel he should have done at least 5yrs in jail without parole, and been court ordered into anger management for no less then 2yrs post sentence completion. A non-famous man would have been thrown in jail and ordered into anger management for less than the severity of beating Chris gave Rihanna. 

HOWEVER: She did not run straight back into his arms after the incident. What everyone is failing to see is that, there is more to the story then what the paparazzi publish or the police report of what Chris did. No one knows if he got professional help on his own privately. No one knows what he must have done during the time he and Rihanna were separated to PROVE to her that he deserved a second chance to be a better man. She is NOT one of those females that took a beating and said "Its ok baby, I know I made you mad. It was my fault too. I forgive you" and ran back to him straight from the hospital. We all know that 1 female (friend or family) that does do exactly that. He did not beat her regularly before she said 'enough' and left him. It was a single fight between them and he let his emotions and actions get out of control. 

As TRUE Rihanna Navy: We must trust her judgement and intellect. Trust that she did make him get help privately and prove to her that he has learned to control his emotions and actions. Trust that she is not going back to him blindly. Remind ourselves that she did make him wait and has had serious time to consider the impact of this decision. Trust that if he fails again she will walk away from him again and for good the second time. And PRAY, truly PRAY for her safety and for her to be right in her decision so she may find the "happily ever after" she deserves.

We are not in her shoes and do not know the whole story. Stop hating, stop judging without all the facts, and just love her as you did before this news broke.

Domestic Violence Awareness

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/16/private-violence-documentary-domestic-violence_n_5991892.html?utm_hp_ref=tw

This movie was created to answer the most commonly asked question from anyone whom hears about domestic violence. "Why doesn't she leave?"

As someone who has lived on both sides of the fence the movie hits close to home. I too in my early dating years (16-20) would see guys at school acting like total jerks and being verbally, emotionally, and at times even physically abusive towards their girlfriends. I too would watch in judgement and think "Why does she stay with him?" In cases where I knew the girl I would even pose the question directly to her and insist she think more of herself and leave him.

Than I became part of the stigma myself and realized first hand that it is not always easy to "just leave" a guy.

Mistake #1 was exactly like so many other text book abusers. He was charming, attentive, affectionate, and fun loving. Treated me like a princess and invited me out everywhere with him. Convinced me he enjoyed being around me so much he'd rather not see his friends at all if they weren't cool with me tagging along. Then we moved in together and it all slowly started to degrade. Passive aggressive comments, demeaning criticism of my cooking\cleaning\appearance\etc. Rushing me home whenever I went to visit my parents or siblings. Limiting my outside contact little by little until I had no outside contact without him at my side. I eventually got tired of the nonsense after a few short months and tried to argue with him to remove the leash and set things back to the way they were or I would leave him. That was the first time he punched me in the face. (or hit me in any way) Text book reaction was for him to drop to his knees beside me begging forgiveness and passive aggressively convincing me it was my fault for getting him so worked up and making him do it. Foolishly I forgave him after a few days of silent treatment and him being the old attentive, loving guy he was before we moved in together. Then he hit me again. I realized he was an abuser and thing were only going to get worse if I stayed. So I gave my mom control of my bank accounts, had her put me on an "allowance" to get by from one check to the next, and use the money I had her force me to save to get a new apartment. I moved out while he was at work with no note or forwarding address. I called all my banks and credit cards directly to change my address and left the post office unaware I moved. In case he managed to inquire about where I was forwarding to. Several months later he found me outside a 7-11 and followed me home. Without me having seen him that day or the days to follow in which he stalked me to learn my schedule. He showed up at my job feigning as if he just then stumbled upon me and caused a scene trying to convince me to go back home with him. I was mindful to have not been followed home that night but I did not realize he already knew where I was. Around 1am he cut the phone line and power to my place and broke in. Dragged me out of bed and out of the apartment kicking and screaming. No one came, and no one called the police. Lights went on in windows and went back off. No one came out. No one wanted to get involved. He dragged me into the woods behind my building and proceeded to beat me. By the grace of God I got the knife away from him and cut his ass from ear to ear instead of letting him cut mine. It was a fast desperate swipe to get him away from me and the knife was apparently dull for the wound was not fatally deep. Seems even the Devil was there to protect his own that night. I didn't bother to run back to my apartment as I knew the door was broken off the hinges. I had no safety there. Instead I ran through the buildings, out the other side of the complex, and to that 7-11. I called the police from inside the store. It took 20mins from when he dragged me out of my bed to when I got to that store at the bottom of the hill and not one neighbor had called it in yet. My faith in humanity was lost that night. He went to prison and I haven't seen him since.

Mistake #2 (Because apparently God felt one was not enough) was significantly harder to escape. The story began the exact same as the first. It was 3yrs after the first mistake and there was 2 short non-abusive relationships between these two bad men. This nightmare lasted over a year however. After a year of dating we decided to move in together. He didn't waste time breaking me into his control like the first one did. Once he was under my roof it was over. No subtle verbal and\or emotional abuse. He went straight for the "We live together now. That makes you my wife and you have to respect me and do as I say." the first week in. I tried to rebel but this one was twice my size and would bench more than I weighed every morning. He beat me, put me through walls, tore down dead bolted doors by slamming me into them repeatedly. He took me to and from work, left a friend of his outside my job while he went to make his own money to ensure I didn't run from work, and didn't let me see my family at all. I couldn't even close the door when I pee'd because he KNEW if given 10secs of privacy I'd jump from that 2nd floor window and run for my life. 

I finally swallowed my pride after 8 months and told my boss what was happening to me at home. God Bless that man he was so damn kind to me. He checked the employee records to see who lived the furthest and found a guy in Receiving lived an hour away. Talked to him about letting me stay with him for a week, gave me my 2 week vaca time early, and smuggled me out the store via the loading docks in back. Convinced any who came by that I left on my lunch break and never came back. Then promoted me to a management position so I could work in the back offices instead of on the sales floor. Kept me hidden for over a month while I looked for a new place. Then someone came in looking for a job and was sent to me to be interviewed because the boss was away. The guy was one of my psycho ex's friends. He showed up there that same night and began tearing the store apart looking for me. The boss was urged by his boss to let me go. Walking to the train station to ride back to the safe house I'd been staying at he rolled up in a car I never seen before and took me. I was captive for a month before my family decided to send news to me threw his father in PA that my grandmother was dieing and I was expected at the hospital to say goodbye. We didn't travel into PA for a week. So when the message got to me she had passed and it was actually the day before her burial. To my surprise his father realized what his son was doing to me and actually beat the crap out of him and threw him out of his house. Leaving me inside to call and wait for my family to get me. His father rescued me and I haven't looked back since.

The moral of the stories here is that you can't always assume to know the whole story from witnessing one fight. You can't possibly phantom the ugly truth of what may or may not be happening in a home when you see a couple fight. It could be just what you see or something way worse behind the scenes. For all you know she does try to leave, but has not yet succeeded. Some die trying to leave. Some succeed but not for long. That fight you could be seeing is him having found her after she left. Walking away could mean the difference between her ever being seen again.

CALL THE COPS!! So what if it turns out he's not a woman beater and they were just arguing and they get mad at you for butting in? Better to be wrong about the depth of the danger in this way then the other. Could you really live with your conscious if you read about her body turning up three days later?

We do try to leave!!! Leaving just isn't always as clean cut as one not in the situation thinks it is. Watch the movie and learn something.

WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?

Italy. The whole country is just rich in history and culture. I would love to tour the whole country. Ireland would be my second option.