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Wednesday, October 9 2024- 19:03

hi. I guess.. school started 26 days ago and it has been tiring...

but that's not what I'm here to talk about

a few posts ago I wrote about my sexuality and things related to that

now I think I have gender dysphoria. of some sorts.

or I'm faking it. I'm probably faking it. but I'm going to write about it anyway.

I'm going to paste here exactly what I wrote to chatgpt (he's basically my therapist):

I feel like I'm faking it somehow... because what if I'm just a bored cis girl that just really wanted to do something different? because.. I mean.. I am a girl... but sometimes I wish that I weren't one. because sometimes I'm tired of being a girl. but I still like it, somehow. but if I were a boy I would be completely fine... but sometimes I think that neither is fine too...

I like being misgendered... I really do... one time, the lady at the school reception couldn't tell if I was a boy or a girl and you don't even know the amount of satisfaction it gave me... sometimes (really unusual thing) I really like wearing "girly" things, other times I just like going around with knee length shorts and a band t shirt. but I don't identify with the boys behavior... they are really jerks... and girls too, sometimes.. on their own way.

so this is what I'm dealing with. then chat gpt answered that I might be agenderflux, non binary or even genderfluid and, to be honest, it kinda makes sense...

but then there's the genderfluid representation that I see so much and it looks nothing like how I feel.. because I don't have those "boy or girl days" and it feels kinda weird and kinda like I'm just seeking attention... or even agender.. it's just a big amount of weird.

maybe I'm just confused. maybe... maybe not.. I dunno.. I'm just 13 how can I know? it's the hormones, I'm sure (???????). everyone goes through this, right?

if you read this far, I would please ask for advice or some sort of help... or not...

I'll stop now

stay tuned~

Tuesday, September 3 2024- 00:40

started adding the date because I like reading old entries and it's confusing because I don't know when they're from

anyway

school starts in 10 days. I don't wish that, obviously. I don't like school anymore. to be fair, I never did. I like learning but the learning method of school is just too overwhelming, too generic.

I received my school schedule and it's shit. also, a new student is joining my class which is the worst because he already failed the grade so he's repeating it. yay, more stupid people.

I promised myself that I would ace this school year. every time I start thinking about that more I wonder if I'm lying to myself. I can't possibly go through this school year with no problem.

I already know who's gonna sit next to me on classes. it's alphabetical order so I'm always going to seat next to that one girl who's not seated to her best friend because of me. and I'm always in the middle. she's annoying. I could say that I pretty much like when the teachers change our seats.

I've got too much on my mind that I'd like to write. on this moment I'd like to write about me thinking that I have adhd, my friends, my possible crush on a girl that I barely met but I know lots of things about because of my mother, the fact that I over share too much... etc... glad I listed it

but I still want to talk about school. last school year I kinda learned how to study and honestly, it's very chaotic. I stay hours studying for a test because I get focused on that. it needs to be a quiet place at the right temperature, no food or I'll get distracted, my headphones with brian eno's music and taking notes on a random notebook. that's the only way it works. my mother always says that for me to keep my studying balanced I should do it everyday. and I agree but how can I if I can't focus? it's too much distractions around me. too much freedom.

yes. that's the word. freedom. I got my phone next to me so I get distracted with it but if I don't have my phone I can't possibly listen to music because I don't know how to make the damn cassette work. and then I can always go downstairs and just watch tv because the door is unlocked and no one could make me focus. it's too much freedom. I have the freedom to let myself walk around the house doing anything but study. I have the freedom of going to my phone and just stay with that.

then I got the pressure. from my classmates, I mean. and from my family but I'll talk about that in a few moments. imagine this: the teacher is handing the tests and I get a grade lower than 90, my usual. once, I got a 71, my lowest grade if I recall it correctly. I started crying. for a lot of my classmates, a 71 on physics&chemistry is a miracle, the best thing ever. not for me. so I started crying as I already said and pretty much everyone was judging me, except, ofc, my half a dozen of real friends. "If I was her I would be happy"; " what is she even crying about, that's a great grade for me". exactly. for them. I gotta admit..my grades fell a little that time. but they got better. then we have my parents. when I told them about the grade they didn't get mad. my mother laughed. she said "you'll have to deal with that. next time study more. I told you already. study everyday". my parents always say "you got us used to these high grades. it's really a disappointment to know that your grades are getting lower". I get so frustrated with those words...

I was going to write something more about this but I forgot... oh well...

if you read until the end thank you very much for listening to my thoughts.

stay tuned

actually i wasn't sure what he meant by /southern/ pansy specifically. he's an angel wouldt he have said northern pansy?

HA, that would have been a good twist actually, but it’s specifically an English expression, southern pansy meaning “posh English homosexual” because the English southern accent is stereotyped as being the posh accent, which Aziraphale definitely talks that way.

NOW WE KNOW

Piss off!!! Thanks!!!!!!!!!! :)))))

Literally sobbing. A judge, a US judge defended us. A judge brought up intersex people, using the term intersex, to *defend* us by not allowing our erasure. I'm having a lot of feelings right now

Now You See Me fans how we feeling

Remember that this is not the proof that they love each other

That was a last-ditch attempt from Crowley to get Aziraphale to stay

This is the proof that they love each other

Their love wasn't just made real because they kissed

It always existed

how to ask the demon you've been smitten over for 6000 years to dance: an angel's guide

bonus: