Nicoledavisss - Wistful Thinking

Late Night Thoughts 4/1/18

I feel angry and sad at the same time tonight. I want to scream, yell, shout, punch something, and cry all at the same time. I feel this way a lot lately and I don’t know what to do to make it better. Medication does nothing to help. The only thing that I’ve noticed makes any sort of difference is marijuana. Mary Jane is the only one who can make me feel better, but it’s only when I’m high that I feel better. When the high wears off, I feel miserable again. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can smoke all the time, but I refuse to get behind the wheel when I’ve been smoking. What do I do when I have to go to work? How do I make this feeling of defeat go away? Do I just need to cry it out? Will that make me feel better? I thought that being alone was the problem, but I’ll be honest, I’d rather be alone than be with someone that can’t make me happy, or doesn’t understand what I’m going through. I think I just need someone who will understand and won’t judge me. I pretend to be happy but deep down, I’m hurting. I don’t wanna feel this way anymore. I just want to feel happiness all the time. But how? I thought that suicide was the way to go when I was younger, but I realized that taking your own life isn’t right. It may take my pain away, but I would never want to put that pain on those I love, even if it is just family. I just don’t know what to do or where to turn to. I try to talk it out with friends and family but it’s like they just don’t understand what I’m going through. I’ve thought about speaking with a therapist, but I don’t know how much they can help. I just want to feel better already. I’ve spent the last 17 years trying to fight this. It’s only gotten worse and I’m exhausted. I’m done fighting, and I’m done feeling like no one understands.

Sometimes,

I wish I could go back to being a kid. When I was a kid, life was so easy. No worries about money, not having my heart broken into a million pieces, the newest technologies or getting a licence. All I wanted to do was hang out with my friends, play outside, play video games, and crush on celebrities. I hate that I had to grow up just to work a shitty job for shitty pay to try and make ends meet, to deal with stress on a daily basis, to deal with my heart being broken so many times, and to lose the people who were very close to me. But, I keep my head up and work through them because I have a lot to live for and I’m not gonna waste myself away stressing out about stupid crap. My family, my close friends and my boyfriend are all that matter to me and they are the ones who keep me sane in this place I call hell.

You would think that I would feel better since we've been broken up for over a month now, but in reality I've gotten worse. Each day that goes by stabs me with the pain of everything that happened. I wish I could change your mind and make you happy again. I miss you more and each day. I'm so happy that we still talk, but you say there's no chance of us getting back together but deep down inside I feel like that is a lie. I feel like there still is a chance. Please God, why me? Why did this have to happen? Why can't you help me fix everything? I wish I had a time machine, or that God would give me a miracle and everything would go back to how it was when we were both happy with each other. I'm still praying that time will bring us back together and you'll see that we were meant to be together. I've changed so much, and I hope you see that.