I Really Do. Still To This Day. I'll Never Forget How Happy They Made Me

Yes, everyday..

Fuck man I’m actually losing my mind and people only say they’ve noticed after I post about it. I literally can’t handle anything anymore. I can’t handle life. I either feel nothing or I feel it to the slightest degree possible, and that’s frightening. I can’t feel anymore. I can’t think anymore, when I do I just end up hating myself. I can’t focus anymore. I don’t know what the fuck to do anymore.

You would think that I would feel better since we've been broken up for over a month now, but in reality I've gotten worse. Each day that goes by stabs me with the pain of everything that happened. I wish I could change your mind and make you happy again. I miss you more and each day. I'm so happy that we still talk, but you say there's no chance of us getting back together but deep down inside I feel like that is a lie. I feel like there still is a chance. Please God, why me? Why did this have to happen? Why can't you help me fix everything? I wish I had a time machine, or that God would give me a miracle and everything would go back to how it was when we were both happy with each other. I'm still praying that time will bring us back together and you'll see that we were meant to be together. I've changed so much, and I hope you see that.

Please tell me.

I love him <3

Late Night Thoughts 4/1/18

I feel angry and sad at the same time tonight. I want to scream, yell, shout, punch something, and cry all at the same time. I feel this way a lot lately and I don’t know what to do to make it better. Medication does nothing to help. The only thing that I’ve noticed makes any sort of difference is marijuana. Mary Jane is the only one who can make me feel better, but it’s only when I’m high that I feel better. When the high wears off, I feel miserable again. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can smoke all the time, but I refuse to get behind the wheel when I’ve been smoking. What do I do when I have to go to work? How do I make this feeling of defeat go away? Do I just need to cry it out? Will that make me feel better? I thought that being alone was the problem, but I’ll be honest, I’d rather be alone than be with someone that can’t make me happy, or doesn’t understand what I’m going through. I think I just need someone who will understand and won’t judge me. I pretend to be happy but deep down, I’m hurting. I don’t wanna feel this way anymore. I just want to feel happiness all the time. But how? I thought that suicide was the way to go when I was younger, but I realized that taking your own life isn’t right. It may take my pain away, but I would never want to put that pain on those I love, even if it is just family. I just don’t know what to do or where to turn to. I try to talk it out with friends and family but it’s like they just don’t understand what I’m going through. I’ve thought about speaking with a therapist, but I don’t know how much they can help. I just want to feel better already. I’ve spent the last 17 years trying to fight this. It’s only gotten worse and I’m exhausted. I’m done fighting, and I’m done feeling like no one understands.

You just can’t make me different and then leave.

Looking for Alaska, John Green sognatricesenzali (via sognatricesenzali)

October 11, 2016

I haven’t been on here in a while and I’m not particularly certain why. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, so many things to say that I’ve just kept bottled inside. I guess I’ll start off with you. The one person I always think about when I know I shouldn’t. I think about you WAY too often for my own good, and honestly I think that’s where most of my bottled feelings come from. For some reason, I still miss you. Why? I don’t know, I can’t answer that. I think it was just something about you that makes me feel this way. And honestly, I’m getting a little tired of it. Yes, I love you. I always will; but for my own good, I’ve finally grown the strength to let go. Forget about you, like you did to me almost 3 years ago. I’ve needed to do this for a long time, I don’t deserve to hurt like this anymore, when clearly you aren’t hurting. As for your now ex, I hope she was worth the heartache she’s probably putting you through right now since you two just broke up not even 2 months ago and she’s already dating someone new. I wouldn’t have been there for you, through everything. I would’ve made you happy no matter what it took, you know that. But still, you chose to leave me. Leave me alone to suffer in silence. Well; I’m done. I tried to contact you so I could again, understand why you felt it was a good idea to leave the one person who would love you for eternity. But, it’s too late now. I’ll find someone better than you, someone who will actually love me more than you seemed to. You will always hold a special place in my heart but I can no longer sit back and hurt because of you. Thank you for all the memories you gave me, but this is me finally letting go. Have a great life. Goodbye. 

To the one person I regret ever moving in with; I’m done being your punching bag. I’ve known you longer than any other person in that house and you treat me the worst and I’m not standing for it anymore. And if you think that I’m paying half the rent when there’s 3 people in that house; you’ve lost your damn mind. After everything I’ve done for you, put up with for you. You still find it okay to treat me poorly. No, enough is enough. I’m done cleaning up after you and that thing you have living in MY house. And when you invited people to come stay with us FOR FREE without even asking me about it; thanks for fucking asking. That was very rude and disrespectful of you. When I make a small mess; you throw a fucking fit. But when there’s dog shit and dog piss everywhere and your ogre made a mess in the kitchen as it so regularly does, it’s never an issue. Whatever. I can’t wait to leave because I can’t live in a house with a giant child and an ogre. If that’s how you want to live; I don’t want any part of it. You’ve ruined our friendship, and I never want to speak with you after how you treated me. And as far as the ogre hitting you again, you probably deserved it. The way you treat people makes me sick. Making other people pay your bills because you wanna be lazy and not work. You don’t even act like a friend unless it’s convenient for you or someone is paying for your stuff. I hope karma catches up with you soon; because you are the definition of a piece of shit. I felt sorry for you when you asked me to come live with you because you had no one to help you; now, I regret EVER moving in with you. I am NEVER living with someone like you ever again. You’re disrespectful, rude, nasty and an all around shitty person.

To all of the people who think it’s okay to treat me as a punching bag; fuck you. I’m not someone you can just throw around and make fun of because you think it’s funny. It’s not. That’s all I have to say on that matter; I’ve just had enough. I need a vacation away from people in general. That’s gonna be hard to do... But the sooner I can, the better because I’ve got so many bottled up emotions and feelings that I need to just be alone with my thoughts somewhere I feel tranquil and my home is not that place. Not at all. Maybe I’ll drive somewhere and find a nice secluded spot to be alone with my thoughts. I’ll have to do some looking around but I’ll find somewhere. As far as moving, I’m moving alone. I cannot live with someone else, let alone multiple people; they just aggravate me too much. One day soon that’ll happen. As soon as I can save up the money to move, I’m gone from that hell hole I call home at the moment...

Thank you for making my life better everyday. It means so much 💙

just a boy and his guitar