Procrastinating Be Like

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In english,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” - A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

Edgar Allen Poe: There’s a body under the floorboards, it’s heart beats to the sound of your guilt.

Everyone else: umm...

Edgar Allen Poe: The raven knows your name, it knocks on your window, quoting forevermore.

Everyone else: You okay, bro?

Maybe he has a hoarding problem maybe he doesn’t. You’ll never know unless you open the box.

*heavy sarcasm* Oh gee, I wonder

You don’t have to be ‘special’ or extraordinary talented to do the things you love. There exists plenty of space in the world for the creation of new things of all shapes and sizes.

When you have made a thing, you have made a thing. And there exists somewhere some person who would love and cradle it close to their chest.

My family is the weirdest combination of rich white people and crazy-ass redneck

Like,

Our fridge has a designated beer drawer filled exclusively with cans of Bud light, but our silverware is organized by use, with the soup spoons separate from the regular spoons, the dinner forks separated from the desert forks, and the butter knives separated from the cheese knives, and each is used as such

Our welcome mat says “trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again” and then you walk into the house and immediately see an ornate china cabinet filled with polished silver china, directly to the left of which you will see a machete hanging from a rope on the wall

Upstairs you will find a TV sitting on top of a broken TV, using it as a stand, and if you walk farther down the hallway you will come across a full liquor bar, filled with respectable alcoholic beverages such as cognac, surrounded by pictures of women in the traditional “skimpy German Bar Wench” outfits, then directly opposite this is a random weight bench and various scattered exercise equipment on the floor, because there was space for it I guess

#Catch me at the stegosaurus concert

I love this more than I should

So a couple weeks back @theshitpostcalligrapher had this card that was perfect. It was something i say all the time, so i ordered one from her shop.

It arrived today.

Now i just need something to display it in.

Prosecution: Your honor, the defendant has been scamming people into buying fake “immortality elixirs” for years!

Defense: Objection! Your honor, the defense requests the prosecution specify exactly how many years?

Prosecution: Gladly, your honor. As you can see from the arrest records submitted into evidence, the defendant has had the audacity to continue committing this felony for 148 years!

Judge: I’m sorry, did I hear that correctly? The defendant has been selling immortality elixirs for 148 years?!

Prosecution: Yes, your honor, the earliest documented arrest was in 1886.

Judge: It’s 2014.

Prosecution: Yes, your honor.

Judge: And you don’t see anything weird about that? Anything at all?

Defense: In light of this stupidity, the defense demands the immediate release of my client followed by a drop of all charges and would like to file a lawsuit against the arresting officer for slander.

Judge: Yes. Right. Bailiff, please release the defendant. Oh, and bring me any of the elixirs taken into evidence.

Look, I’m not saying for sure you’re a trans man, I’m just saying you obsessed a little too hard over Spider-Man as a kid