I Want To Learn. But I Want To Be Wrong First. I Want To Try, But First I Want To Fail. That Way When

Playing solitaire with myself and loosing, ah joy. TvT

Are you ever too busy monologuing a story in your head that you realize you didn’t actually pay attention to the scene that just played out in the show? You just kinda go off on a side story or tangent with the characters and then are just like, ah damn what’d I miss?

Im done, oh I’m fucking done finals have ended and I can breathe again. Thank fuck man. Actually slept last night dear lord. Feeling better also I fucking love end of the world with you apparently, it’s so fucking good man. Also stealer treasure keeper is fucking great might I say. Circle two worlds connected is also fucking fantastic.

Ah I think I’m gonna rewatch Tomb of the Sea. I’m remembering some of the scenes and damn do I miss their goofiness.

For the writing ask game, number 26: story your most proud of

oof.

this is a loaded question, because I'm proud of a few different stories for their own reasons.

The Sorcerer And The Court Noble, my first self-published novel (which is available to buy digitally through my dms for those interested) is the one I am *most* proud of, because it was a labour of love for nearly 10 years of revisions and based off a series of films and novels that have firmly planted themselves into japanese folklore and pop culture. It's a love story between Abe no Seimei and Minamoto no Hiromasa, real men who really lived and whose shrines you can visit to this day. It's a very special story to me.

The Agony And The Ecstasy Of Sherlock Holmes, my second self-published novel (which is also available to buy digitally through my dms for those interested) based on the events of series 4, told through emails, texts, surveillance footage, hospital records, and therapist's notes. I've never written a story of that length in such a short period of time, when I myself was in indescribable physical pain due to several spontaneous disc herniations in my spine. It's a deeply personal study of Sherlock Holmes' character and I'll always be very proud of it.

Runaway Judges, a post-series the devil judge fic inspired by the mishima: a life in four chapters OST, specifically the track runaway horses (poetry written with a splash of blood). It examines the push-and-pull relationship between Yo Han and Ga On in the aftermath of the courthouse explosion in episode 16; it's about the characters' pain and sacrifice as declarations of love for each other and how they begin to heal from all the hurt and misunderstandings between them now that they're both ghosts as they flee to Switzerland and start a new life. It's probably my favourite TDJ fic I've ever written.

The common thread between all three of these works is actually something based in the first onmyoji film, which TSatCN follows. In it, Hiromasa cradles the woman he loves, Sukehime, in his arms as she succumbs to a spell that turned her into a vengeful demon; a demon that feeds on men's blood. He offers her his life, presenting his bare arm to her and tells her, "It's alright. I do not mind, in the end, if it is you that kills me." Watching that scene as a child (I was twelve) rewired something in my brain pretty fundamentally when it came to my understanding of love and sacrifice. It's followed my writing ever since, and these three works all examine the relationship between pain, sacrifice, penance, devotion, and love - the concept of dying for love of someone else makes my heart ache in the best way, and I love exploring that depth of emotion in my writing.

thanks for playing! <3

-peacefully working on a project-

…

-giant black bug of unknown species-

…

-standing up to put my project together-

-bug leaps into the air making itself known and dives off the right side of the desk-

… I don’t have the mental capacity to handle the maybe fly or some other bug at this point in time.

For the bl trope ask game: 5, 7, 10? If possible please. This seems really cool to do. Have a wonderful day/night!

I love when I get repeats because I get to consider different shows! My initial answers for these were:

5. Second Chance Romance: His

7. Star-Crossed Lovers: Until We Meet Again and I Feel You Linger In The Air

10. Bodyguard: KinnPorsche

Lemme see what else I've got in the tank...

Second Chance Romance

I will always prefer a second chance romance that is truly about regrets, forgiveness and trying again to one about never having taken the leap in the first place. The End of the World With You (Bokura no Micro na Shuumatsu) is one of the best I've seen. Ritsu is seeking absolution and reconciliation before the world ends, and Masumi is equally determined not to forgive. The journey they go on...well go watch it if you haven't already.

Star-Crossed Lovers

The problem with star-crossed lovers is that BL as romance is indexed toward the happy ending. Tragedy is NOT what the girlies come here for, so the stories have to find a hook, like time travel or past lives, to smuggle the tragedy in while still allowing a happy-ish ending. I'm gonna round out my star-crossed trifecta with He's Coming To Me, because a living man and a ghost falling in love is the very definition of stars being crossed.

Bodyguard

For all its flaws, Never Let Me Go made a solid attempt at the bodyguard romance and I really enjoyed it in parts. Jojo really swung for it with this one and while I don't think it was entirely successful, it was for sure discussable.

The Day I Loved You - Filipino bl. This show slays, especially Nikko. He’s awesome. I see a lot of people saying it has Heartstopper vibes. I do see some semblance in the art styles and special effects. It’s really cute so far and the characters are fun. School delinquent gets caught committing vandalism and is punished. What does he have to do? Community service and join the dance troupe. School president and leader of the dance troupe, Nikko has to teach the school delinquent to dance. Honestly it’s just really fun so far.

Old-fashioned Cupcake - Cute romance story. Two office workers hang out and have fun. Visiting dessert shops and enjoying life. Just a cute story.

Make a Wish (2023) - An Angel and a doctor who sees ghosts. A goofy and fun story so far. Mystery, drama, comedy, what conspiracies will these two unveil?

Triage - A doctor stuck in a time loop. Forced to find a way to save a young man from death’s clutches, watch as this doctor stumbles his way through each loop. With an Angel by his side to keep him on track and no way of escape, what will this doctor do?

Memory in the Letter - On the night a comet passed by an event linking two worlds together occurred. Now with a mirror showing another world, how will these two new kinda roommates handle life?

A Secretly Love - MC has had an ongoing crush for 7 years. Having already confessed, he is fine knowing that his crush is happy. Now going to the same university, mc has unfortunate run ins with his oblivious crush.

My Secret Love - School pranksters and club presidents are forced to work together. The chancellor is definitely abusing her authority. Has similar vibes to bad buddy with the neighbor situation. It’s cute but the chancellor is definitely evil. What she’s doing is wrong on so many levels, otherwise enjoy.

My Precious (2024) -

Tokyo Tower (2024) - Seems like a cute romance story.

Takara no Vidro -

Vanishing My First Love / My Love Mix-Up (Kieta Hatsukoi) - Super cute Highschool romance.

Psych-hunter - Amnesiac Jiang Shuo gets entangled in a web of murders. Caught in a game where lives are on the line, what can he do? Qing Yi Heng, a psychologist, and (I haven’t found her name yet), a cop, have their own agendas/motives for getting involved. Now working together, will they be able to solve these crimes and save everyone? Will they be able to survive?

Killer and Healer - A doctor and officer begrudgingly work together to solve crimes. I enjoyed this show however there are two endings to this show. One good, one bad. Choose whichever one you want, I vote the good ending is the real ending. Cause that’s what these characters deserve. They deserve happiness.

The Golden Eyes - A pawn shop owner gets super eyes? That is a horrible description, I can do better. Just uh give me a moment. I need to research this show a bit more.

Celestial Authority Academy -

Blacklist - Blackmail, manipulation, murder. Bloodthirsty and dangerous, how will these students survive the hell they’ve been put into. Is it all orchestrated? Who started this? A game they all have to play, who will survive to the end? (Take this overview with a grain of salt. I remember almost nothing from this show)

My roommate is a fairy fox -

Remember my boy -

Queer Beauty -

Love is more than a word -

The most beautiful place is my place -

Theory of Love - Ah unrequited love. Best friends and roomates. One has been in love with the other for years while the other is a playboy. Drama, friendship, betrayal. How will this story go down?

Tohon Chocolate - I’m not a fan of the main romance. The main romantic interest is homophobic and a jealous douchebag most of the time. He may change, it’s just my current understanding of the show storyline. I like the side characters such as the roommates and rich guy (he needs to learn to take no for an answer but otherwise he’s not that bad). Childhood friends reunite after years apart. One has had a crush on the other for years, what will happen now?

S.C.I. Mystery - I keep misreading the title as CSI but it’s not, brain please. I haven’t watched this one yet but from my current understanding it’s mystery and detective type stuff. Looks super cool. Special Crime Investigation Team. That’s what it stands for. Childhood rivals are forced to work together to solve crimes.

Crossfire - it’s about gamers and that’s all I really know. It has the same actor that’s in Tomb of the Sea (lost tomb series) which is how I found out about it. Looks fun.

Cherry Magic - ah, secondhand embarrassment. We meet again. Just a really nice and goofy show. The characters are super expressive and the romance is cute. I loved it.

Sweet Combat -

The Long Ballad -

Peach of Time - it’s sad… I don’t wanna deal with its sadness so I haven’t watched it fully.

You Light Up My Life Again - University setting. Roommates, music, and sports. Enemies to lovers is what it currently appears to be.

Although I Love You and You? - A restaurant owner falls for a salaryman. Bro has fallen hard. It’s a really cute watch so far.

Favoritism of the God - A student recently confessed to his crush only to trip into oncoming traffic. Unfortunately, truck-kun failed to isekai the mc. I’m not that far into this show so I’m not exactly certain what happens. Essentially, mc gets offered a deal by a god of a shrine he visited 100 times. What does he choose to do with this deal? Well he decides to become his crush’s ideal type. He believes that means becoming a girl. I don’t know how well this show will handle that but that’s the premise. I’m only on episode 2 at the moment. I don’t feel like continuing it at the moment but if you watch it let me know what you think please.

Nishiogikubo Mitsuboshi Youshudou - A chef recently quit his job, reunites with old classmates. A bar for everyone, come join these old friends as they take a break from life and live in the present. Will they find what they are looking for? (Honestly I’m loving this show. The same actor from cherry magic is in this one. It’s full of emotions and friendship. A nice comfy watch.)

A man who defied the world of bl - The theme song is super catchy. This is extraordinarily painful for me to watch. It’s goofy and comedic but I get really bad secondhand embarrassment. It’s full of cliches and silly tv show romantic scenarios. If this is what you’re looking for have fun! If not, no worries there’s plenty other shows out there for you to enjoy! What in the bl tropes is this? I’ve made it a bit of a ways into it and it’s mainly just a comedic goofy show. It’s extraordinarily hard for me to watch cause of secondhand embarrassment but it is a nice chill watch.

My personal weatherman - A broke mangaka is offered a place to live by his senior in university. Living expenses are fully covered as long as he does everything his senior tells him to. What exactly is their relationship?

Spring of crush/love in spring- Similar concept to Nobleman Ryu’s Wedding. A slave ran away and has to change his identity in order to not get caught. His father’s old friend makes a deal with him. He has to pretend to be his third daughter out of wedlock in order to survive. Unfortunately, the old friend’s wife is not a fan and after a year she sets up a wedding for the mc. How will mc survive? (I can’t find the next episode TvT I’ll have to continue watching this one later)

Oh! My Assistant - Fairly cute romance story. A manga artist that does X-rated works needs to hire an assistant.

Our dating sim - Old best friends reunite after one of them vanished the day they confessed their love. Now working in the same company, what will happen? (I’m on episode 6)

Love Tractor - A top of the class law student takes a break from the social expectations placed upon him. Now hiding away at his grandfathers farm, he gets roped into working for his grandfather. What will he learn from these friendly faces?

Fudanshi bartender - this is painful for me to watch, because again. Secondhand embarrassment is strong with this one. Okay I can’t handle the secondhand embarrassment from this show so I don’t know much about it. Have fun. A bartender who secretly likes bl and makes manga based on the interactions he sees at the bar.

Justice in the dark - the Abyss - Seems interesting so far. A strange event caused 1.3% of people to loose emotions. (Carole and Tuesday did something similar and addressed it well. There is a medical thing where this just is. It doesn’t make someone good or bad, it just is). However, society believes the rising crime rate to be because of this. Wanting to put into effect laws where people are forced to take a blood tests to see if they’re part of the 1.3%, society is in turmoil. Our main characters investigate the murders occurring and have to figure out who all is behind them.

Craving you - A chef and a singer work together as a business strategy to promote each other’s works. However, their pasts haunt them. Will they be able to find closure? Will they be able to move on?

After Sundown - movie. The trailer looked intriguing. Karma, fate, destiny. When one is destined to fall, his parents decide to tie his fate to another in order to save him. (I haven’t watched it yet. The trailer makes me think it will have a similar plot line to the Sign series.)

Love Mate - An office worker who doesn’t believe in love gets a new colleague who is determined to teach mc about love. Why? To be honest I’m still unsure as I’m only on the first couple episodes but if the assumption is correct, the new guy says he fell in love at first sight so uh let’s just go with that.

Make it right -

Twenty twenty - Twenty years old… what does one do now? Growing up is strange and figuring out what to do is difficult. Can they figure out what they want from life? (I’ve only watched a bit of episode 1)

Senpai, this can’t be love - well, that escalated quickly. Hmm I’m sensing secondhand embarrassment on the horizon… New socially awkward cgi worker ends up under the mentorship of a friendly experienced cgi worker. Extrovert vs introvert, will they be able to properly communicate? I’ve just started episode two and wow, I’m scared. It seems interesting though and I like the outro song so imma try to see if I can handle this show.

Ah this one is getting a bit long so I’ll end it here. Have a marvelous day/night!

I kept adding more stuff to this so I’ll post it as is. I’ll edit the missing overviews later. Have fun!

Haven’t been able to fall asleep and the amount of work I need to get done feels too much right now. Feels like I’m probably gonna fail, which makes me feel like shit. But even if I do fail

I could always retake the course. I just don’t want to disappoint people. So what happened was I was taking three courses this semester and prioritized one over the other two causing me to fall behind in both. Now it’s finals week and ima till so fucking behind. So I don’t know if I’ll pass them. And I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t. I’ve almost caught up in one of them but still. Feels like I should just cut my losses and focus on which one I’m more likely to pass. But I want to try. And by trying to do both I might just shoot myself in the foot doing this.

But what if I succeed? What if I fail? If I succeed I’d most likely get a c, if I’m lucky a b. If I fail I could retake the course. Don’t know if I’d still qualify for financial assistance though if I fail these two. I mean I’m not on a scholarship so it’s not that big of a deal I suppose but still. You know I never planned to go to college. Like when I was in school it was expected of me. But school really fucked me up. Had to get As all the time that I’d breakdown over get a b or just a fucking 90%. It wouldn’t matter which assignment, or how many points it was. I would stress over everything. Then I failed a few classes (there were extenuating circumstances that added to this), but it was so freeing. I redid the courses over summer and just felt so alive. The world didn’t implode and I was still alive. It had a lot less impact than I expected. I mean I was still pressured to get good grades but it didn’t hurt as much. Now though getting an A doesn’t feel like an achievement or something that I accomplished, it still just feels like an expectation. So it still hurts when I fail to meet it. And so I decided after graduating that there was no way in hell id go to college. But then I took a single course and honestly enjoyed it. It does help that I qualified for some financial things that cover me for a few years (which really was the deciding factor, it only lasts a set amount of years for me so if I don’t take courses now the money assistance would expire so gotta use it while I can). But old mindsets keep creeping back in. Lack of faith in myself, what could very well be executive dysfunction, mental health issues, just piled up again this semester. Keep thinking I overcame it that I’m doing better and it all comes crashing back. It’s hard. And I don’t know how to tell people that. I just accept my actions as they are and continue on. And I fucked up a lot this semester. But I also did try. There’s also the fact that I get sick when I stress out now. Started happening junior year of high school. On the very last day of school I puked due to stress. Ended up not going cause I couldn’t tell if I was sick or not. Since then whenever I stress out or overthink I puke. I’ve gotten better at managing it but I also have started to get nauseous when anxious so I need to do something. I’ve been meaning to meditate consistently but it’s the consistent part I’m having trouble with. Though I do think it would help. So I guess I’m just worried. And I still have all the work I need to do. I know I’m gonna try but if I fail anyway it’s gonna hurt so much. But I’ll be prepared for next time. No matter the outcome I’ll be prepared for next time. Okay, yeah. I’ll be okay. Sorry just needed to vent. Needed a moment to breathe.

The Retrospection of Tomorrow is a really cool visual novel. I’ve been playing it with a friend and oh my goodness it’s great! You got mystery, intrigue, time travel, romance, you’re in for a ride.

itch.io

The Retrospection Of Tomorrow by Cherish Fan

Romance VN. Let's meet at the end of time.