pendinghope
The ramblings of a fan having an existential crisis!
107 posts
Latest Posts by pendinghope
Grades still glitched and my professor isn’t responding to me T^T
Gonna give them a few more days to reply before I send a follow up email. After that though I found their work number so if worst comes to worst I’ll have to call them. Already emailed my advisor and they said I gotta talk to my professor again. So now I wait.
Well guess I’ll put on a comfort show while I work, or maybe I’ll just rewatch pending train again. Still love them.
My grades are glitched and I’ve been having to go back and forth on messaging people to try to get it fixed. It’s hard though cause thinking about grades can send me spiraling. It just feels so suffocating and then I start panicking and so I literally cannot let myself think about it or just ruminate on it. I feel like a bother having to message my professor this much. It should be fine though, yeah? I mean this is their job so hopefully yeah? I managed to send out another email to my professor today after sending one to my advisor so fingers crossed that everything will be fixed after this one. I hope, it’s like painful for me to think about this stuff so it just gets increasingly distressing to me. One day I’ll figure out what all mental things I have but until then, this public diary will do. Cause for some reason this helps me more than an actual diary. Don’t know why screaming into the void is more comforting than into a notepad for me. Well if it works to make me feel better than it’s worth it. I am still hungry so might do that. Would help if I could overthinking but eh rambling my thoughts at least gets them out of my head so there’s that. Okay I’m feeling a bit better now, still hungry, but better. Signing off for now. - PendingHopes
I am hungry. I’m also awake. Since apparently I can only sleep for around 5 hours and then I must be awake for around 5 hours before I am able to return to sleep. Why does this happen to me? Oh well what do I ramble about today? Let’s see. I got a sweet new satchel today at a thrift store. It’s not my preferred color but hey it holds all my shit and it fits my art supplies so it’s sick. Got a new outfit that makes me feel like a vampire as well, so that’s nice. No idea what I will wear it for but I like it so maybe I’ll throw it on at random. Sadly have yet to get my friends invested in the shows I like but apparently some of their friends have similar show interests so one of these days one of my recommendations will get through to someone and not just because a genshin voice actor is in it. Please I need to rant about my shows to someone who either would be just as invested or invested enough in my conversation skills to be down to hear my rambles. So now, about those shows
Stealer: The Treasure Keeper is hilarious, I love him, and also found family. A thief who steals cultural relics that were illegally obtained or being kept for shady reasons etc returns theme to where they belong. This thief meets a group of cops wanting to work together to take down those who obtain these relics.
Circle: Two Worlds Connected - Jump between times where a cop investigating murders and twins who witnessed an alien appearance question reality.
The Guest (2018) - a priest, a cop, and a taxi driver are being haunted by their pasts. Possession, murders, their lives become entangled as they chase down a deadly ghost.
Weak Hero - found family. My heart man.
Also I’m so fucking hungry right now man but I’m also trying to fall back to sleep. Hasn’t happened yet but who knows.
Psychopath diary - Honestly, I’m not that far into this. It seems really interesting but also oh my goodness noooooo. Office worker witnesses a murder has amnesia (due to a cop car. Eyes on the road loves, though to be fair he did jump out it still bugs me). Ahem anyway, he ends up with a diary listing all the murders. However he has amnesia and doesn’t remember who he is and since the diary is the only belonging he was given, yeahhhhhh. I want to continue it but oh no man I just ahhhhh
Unnatural fires - I love how the credits have fire safety information. Super interesting show with found family vibes plus fire safety. Same as how Are You Safe has internet safety tips at the end of it. I recommend both. Haven’t finished either but they are really interesting.
Anyway I feel like shit rn so imma figure out what to do to feel better. Current options are try to sleep again, eat something, write something, watch something, or do something else. Eh I’ll figure it out in a bit.
Im done, oh I’m fucking done finals have ended and I can breathe again. Thank fuck man. Actually slept last night dear lord. Feeling better also I fucking love end of the world with you apparently, it’s so fucking good man. Also stealer treasure keeper is fucking great might I say. Circle two worlds connected is also fucking fantastic.
For the writing ask game, number 26: story your most proud of
oof.
this is a loaded question, because I'm proud of a few different stories for their own reasons.
The Sorcerer And The Court Noble, my first self-published novel (which is available to buy digitally through my dms for those interested) is the one I am *most* proud of, because it was a labour of love for nearly 10 years of revisions and based off a series of films and novels that have firmly planted themselves into japanese folklore and pop culture. It's a love story between Abe no Seimei and Minamoto no Hiromasa, real men who really lived and whose shrines you can visit to this day. It's a very special story to me.
The Agony And The Ecstasy Of Sherlock Holmes, my second self-published novel (which is also available to buy digitally through my dms for those interested) based on the events of series 4, told through emails, texts, surveillance footage, hospital records, and therapist's notes. I've never written a story of that length in such a short period of time, when I myself was in indescribable physical pain due to several spontaneous disc herniations in my spine. It's a deeply personal study of Sherlock Holmes' character and I'll always be very proud of it.
Runaway Judges, a post-series the devil judge fic inspired by the mishima: a life in four chapters OST, specifically the track runaway horses (poetry written with a splash of blood). It examines the push-and-pull relationship between Yo Han and Ga On in the aftermath of the courthouse explosion in episode 16; it's about the characters' pain and sacrifice as declarations of love for each other and how they begin to heal from all the hurt and misunderstandings between them now that they're both ghosts as they flee to Switzerland and start a new life. It's probably my favourite TDJ fic I've ever written.
The common thread between all three of these works is actually something based in the first onmyoji film, which TSatCN follows. In it, Hiromasa cradles the woman he loves, Sukehime, in his arms as she succumbs to a spell that turned her into a vengeful demon; a demon that feeds on men's blood. He offers her his life, presenting his bare arm to her and tells her, "It's alright. I do not mind, in the end, if it is you that kills me." Watching that scene as a child (I was twelve) rewired something in my brain pretty fundamentally when it came to my understanding of love and sacrifice. It's followed my writing ever since, and these three works all examine the relationship between pain, sacrifice, penance, devotion, and love - the concept of dying for love of someone else makes my heart ache in the best way, and I love exploring that depth of emotion in my writing.
thanks for playing! <3
Calmly painting, finally at peace with my work-
Wait no
There’s a drop there’s a paint drop where it’s not supposed to beeeeee!!!!
Aaaahahdbhdnfjfnfn
All good all good. Just a spot of green that shouldn’t be there. Got most of it off but it’s watercolor so you know. Is what it is now
Why do all my fucking comedies stab me in the heart man. What was that, you can’t fucking wound me like this man.
Anyway on an only slightly related note I finish Highschool Return of Gangster and damn I cried. Loved it but damn.
Also, Last Meal Universe, fucking love you and your sillies and the pain man. Love my silly shows also loved the ending behind the scene/bloopers clips during credits. Fucking great.
Oh no here comes trouble, one day I shall be able to finish you. Once i figure out my best option of watching you, one day I'll manage it. Same for you Missing the Other Side. How dare you disappear from the streaming service I have access to just to reappear as season 2, I wasn't fucking done with season 1. But ill get there eventually.
Damn I’m so fucking hungry, I should probably eat. Hmmmmmm. But it’s finals week. Gotta finish this painting. But food. Both is the answer. Of course. Never mind food is the answer, I shall return momentarily finals. And this time, I’ll just create you the way I want to. Without getting wrapped up in my head thinking it won’t be right I’ll just do it my way. It should meet the requirements and I believe it shows some of what I learned but it feels better to me this way. Who knows, but I’ll have it down. And I’ll like it. No matter what happens, I’ll like it.
Haven’t been able to fall asleep and the amount of work I need to get done feels too much right now. Feels like I’m probably gonna fail, which makes me feel like shit. But even if I do fail
I could always retake the course. I just don’t want to disappoint people. So what happened was I was taking three courses this semester and prioritized one over the other two causing me to fall behind in both. Now it’s finals week and ima till so fucking behind. So I don’t know if I’ll pass them. And I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t. I’ve almost caught up in one of them but still. Feels like I should just cut my losses and focus on which one I’m more likely to pass. But I want to try. And by trying to do both I might just shoot myself in the foot doing this.
But what if I succeed? What if I fail? If I succeed I’d most likely get a c, if I’m lucky a b. If I fail I could retake the course. Don’t know if I’d still qualify for financial assistance though if I fail these two. I mean I’m not on a scholarship so it’s not that big of a deal I suppose but still. You know I never planned to go to college. Like when I was in school it was expected of me. But school really fucked me up. Had to get As all the time that I’d breakdown over get a b or just a fucking 90%. It wouldn’t matter which assignment, or how many points it was. I would stress over everything. Then I failed a few classes (there were extenuating circumstances that added to this), but it was so freeing. I redid the courses over summer and just felt so alive. The world didn’t implode and I was still alive. It had a lot less impact than I expected. I mean I was still pressured to get good grades but it didn’t hurt as much. Now though getting an A doesn’t feel like an achievement or something that I accomplished, it still just feels like an expectation. So it still hurts when I fail to meet it. And so I decided after graduating that there was no way in hell id go to college. But then I took a single course and honestly enjoyed it. It does help that I qualified for some financial things that cover me for a few years (which really was the deciding factor, it only lasts a set amount of years for me so if I don’t take courses now the money assistance would expire so gotta use it while I can). But old mindsets keep creeping back in. Lack of faith in myself, what could very well be executive dysfunction, mental health issues, just piled up again this semester. Keep thinking I overcame it that I’m doing better and it all comes crashing back. It’s hard. And I don’t know how to tell people that. I just accept my actions as they are and continue on. And I fucked up a lot this semester. But I also did try. There’s also the fact that I get sick when I stress out now. Started happening junior year of high school. On the very last day of school I puked due to stress. Ended up not going cause I couldn’t tell if I was sick or not. Since then whenever I stress out or overthink I puke. I’ve gotten better at managing it but I also have started to get nauseous when anxious so I need to do something. I’ve been meaning to meditate consistently but it’s the consistent part I’m having trouble with. Though I do think it would help. So I guess I’m just worried. And I still have all the work I need to do. I know I’m gonna try but if I fail anyway it’s gonna hurt so much. But I’ll be prepared for next time. No matter the outcome I’ll be prepared for next time. Okay, yeah. I’ll be okay. Sorry just needed to vent. Needed a moment to breathe.
Do you see my vision?
Okay okay I just watch Color Rush 2 and (spoilers included) hear me out.
Poly. That’s all I really want to say. What if, all three of them just start going out. I think it’d be fun. But also, I just, I don’t think the way they see colors would be like that. I don’t think seeing colors would automatically be euphoria or anything, like yes I enjoy colors but hearing about colors would probably make them sound fantasy like with how others would stress over how much better it is but it’s not like seeing in grayscale is bad. Like okay I’m sorry but I think it’d be way more overwhelming and headache inducing to suddenly see more colors. It’d be interesting but something someone has to get used to, and there’d be a disconnect for a while. Anyway, sorry I have a lot of thoughts about how the shock of being bombarded with differing visuals would take a toll (listen I know he faints the first few times but also like I don’t think seeing colors would automatically be magical. I think it’d be more nauseating for a while there.) ahem, okay yeah still love it I just, lots of what-ifs, you know (and it’s super interesting to me, these aspects)? Anyway yeah poly, I think it’d be cute. Do I think they’d all get along? No. I think they’d need to get used to it first but I would love to see how they would interact with each other. Yo I’m just imagining so many different scenarios. Clearly the first things that happens when (I don’t remember any of their names) the guy (the probe? one) shows back up without a mask and both the others faint. I just, man I think it’d fun. Okay I’m done rambling for now. I’ve got sooo much shit to do but this makes me feel happy so yeah. Have a good day/night!
Okay okay I just watch Color Rush 2 and (spoilers included) hear me out.
Poly. That’s all I really want to say. What if, all three of them just start going out. I think it’d be fun. But also, I just, I don’t think the way they see colors would be like that. I don’t think seeing colors would automatically be euphoria or anything, like yes I enjoy colors but hearing about colors would probably make them sound fantasy like with how others would stress over how much better it is but it’s not like seeing in grayscale is bad. Like okay I’m sorry but I think it’d be way more overwhelming and headache inducing to suddenly see more colors. It’d be interesting but something someone has to get used to, and there’d be a disconnect for a while. Anyway, sorry I have a lot of thoughts about how the shock of being bombarded with differing visuals would take a toll (listen I know he faints the first few times but also like I don’t think seeing colors would automatically be magical. I think it’d be more nauseating for a while there.) ahem, okay yeah still love it I just, lots of what-ifs, you know (and it’s super interesting to me, these aspects)? Anyway yeah poly, I think it’d be cute. Do I think they’d all get along? No. I think they’d need to get used to it first but I would love to see how they would interact with each other. Yo I’m just imagining so many different scenarios. Clearly the first things that happens when (I don’t remember any of their names) the guy (the probe? one) shows back up without a mask and both the others faint. I just, man I think it’d fun. Okay I’m done rambling for now. I’ve got sooo much shit to do but this makes me feel happy so yeah. Have a good day/night!
The Retrospection of Tomorrow is a really cool visual novel. I’ve been playing it with a friend and oh my goodness it’s great! You got mystery, intrigue, time travel, romance, you’re in for a ride.
Honestly how I’ve been feeling. First off while Nakan isn’t good he hasn’t actually fully harmed anyone. (Yes yes he made a kid attack tong with a knife but that wasn’t with the intent to kill, just to gain knowledge. Listen I’m not saying he’s good, I’m just saying he ain’t the worst). Second off this episode while he’s choking tong he still isn’t doing it with the intent to kill him just get him to join his side. And while the other vampires are certainly more murderous we don’t actually know if anyone in the blood drive is actually dead. And second off, we know Thara is willing to use anyone she can to get the upper hand (including a sick kid). And let’s not forget the opening of episode one, guys, the opening involves who I’m assuming to be Tong’s parents dying. And yet somehow Tong is alive after that? Hmm wonder why, wonder who possibly could have killed them? (*looks at Thara suspiciously*). Anyway I need Nakan and Tonkla to have the most toxic love, please. Okay okay I’m done for now.
okay but hear me out, obviously i am enchanted by miss thara's beauty but isn't she like, too pretty to be just that nice?
and what about this-
so what if she wants the golden blood to herself? and she intends to do a ritual to get healthy and continue being pretty and young again when tong turn 21?
what if nakan is not the big bad and instead wants to spread the golden blood amongst the vampires so they can feel things again?
what if miss thara has been playing mark all along and later tong finds out and thinks mark was in on it?
or am i watching too many movies ?
Okay it’s been a few hours. Heading back to bed. (Like 4-5 ish hours. I did get some work done. I just need to not get so caught up in my head and just go for it when painting, or well making anything. So I will. Once I wake up)
Guess who went to bed before midnight? And now that it’s midnight I’m awake. Why does sleeping in intervals somehow make me feel more rested? Who knows, anyway gonna do work for a few hours before I crash again.
Apologies for bothering but I just realized I have two more shows to offer up. Though idk if you’d like them. It’s The Good Bad Mother and Move to Heaven. They’re both kdramas and really good in my opinion. The first is about a mother who ends up having to take care of her son after he was in a car crash. The second is about trauma cleaners. Both have really good found family vibes.
I promise you are not bothering me at all, especially not with things like this!
I’m adding these both to my watchlist right now.
Since you like beyond evil imma just recommend a show called circle: two worlds connected. It doesn’t have the same type of friendship but it does have mystery and a very interesting story. It is a bit stressful though. Anyway uh yeah I’ve got nothing else. If you do check out the show I hope you like it if not then I hope you enjoy whatever you watch. Have a wonderful day/night!
I love a good mystery, so I’ll add it to the watch list!
Thank you so much 😭
Me scrolling through posts. Seeing shows I like. Seeing characters that deserve better. They die at the- they fucking die at the end?! What-what do you mean? I don’t get my happy ending for my lil morally ambiguous people? What do you mean!!!
Okay so I’m watching Circle: Two Worlds Connected and oh my goodness I love this freaking show. It is soooo much all the time. The fucking mystery and the way the story is layer out ajdjdhdjdidndjdkdkdj. It’s so freaking good and whenever I figure something out before it happens I’m just like yes! I did it but also noooooo fuck no please don’t be that. Gah I fucking love it it’s so fucking painful I just wanna know everything already. Anyway uh it’s just a really good show, highly recommend. I’m currently on episode 8 so uh, gonna get back to it. Have a wonderful day/night!
Okay so I’m watching Circle: Two Worlds Connected and oh my goodness I love this freaking show. It is soooo much all the time. The fucking mystery and the way the story is layer out ajdjdhdjdidndjdkdkdj. It’s so freaking good and whenever I figure something out before it happens I’m just like yes! I did it but also noooooo fuck no please don’t be that. Gah I fucking love it it’s so fucking painful I just wanna know everything already. Anyway uh it’s just a really good show, highly recommend. I’m currently on episode 8 so uh, gonna get back to it. Have a wonderful day/night!
Okay YouTube this is absolutely ludicrous. I have gotten an ad every five minutes on 1 video. 5 minutes. YouTube are you kidding?
Well it’s being consistence now doing this on every video. Farewell ads, I shall be enabling my blocker once more. (I don’t have them on my usual device so computer, return to me)
You ever watch a show and get to the final episode only for them to belt out into song? Like look at the screen, 4th wall break, and then starts singing? I never expect it but it’s happened more than once to me. Which isn’t a lot but I’m never prepared. I find it amusing and still enjoy it but they really do like just throwing it at you, no warning. Or maybe I just don’t read the summary enough.
Me every time I send an ask
Should I do this? Should it be anonymous? What if I’m bothering them? Did I word it right? I should delete it, right? Mmm but I want to ask. (´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥｀)
Yay! I’ve been tagged by @randomia-in-wonderland for a tag game. (Thank you very much, this seems fun!)
Rules: without naming them, post a gif of ten of your favorite ships (any media) and tag as many people as possible to do the same!
Ah I have many many more, but I shall leave these ones here. Now I really wanna rewatch some of these so I think I will. Anyway time to tag people.
No pressure and apologies for bothering but I’m tagging @violinapiani @katander @meadows89 @liesineyes @kuretatokei @okiedokie2216 @happylovelyarmy @blue-grama @milkwaydreams
Exclusive Love
My rambles about episodes 1-3, spoilers included.
*grabs characters shoulders* bud you just made a grave mistake. He will not be able to believe in you or view any of your actions as genuine. You’ve shot yourself in the foot bud and I hope they make you have to work at getting forgiveness and trust back.
Motorcycle lady I fucking love you. You seem wonderful and I can’t wait to see how awesome you are. Please sweep this man off his feet. I just really want to see what all she does. And I hope they keep a good relationship (besties at the least, please).
Ah I think I’m gonna rewatch Tomb of the Sea. I’m remembering some of the scenes and damn do I miss their goofiness.
Reading a story that has a mongoose and all my brain can picture is an actual goose. looked up a pic and they're so cute. Also the story now makes more sense.
i before e except after c or when as in ei (a) as in neighbor or weigh
Science wtf man. Why
I mean I guess since it’s pronounced sci-ence
Not sure how many people play Fire Emblem: Three Hopes but like Lindhart, Shez, and Petra I find are a wonderful combination. And I need to see them together.
Sleep is cruel. I go to bed before midnight, I wake up at midnight. I go to bed at midnight I wake up at 5am. I go to bed later than midnight I wake up at 2pm.