Time.

Patience.

"Patience is a virtue." Easier said than done. There are always moments when you get frustrated from waiting, whether it's waiting in line at the grocery store or waiting for a text from that special someone. Sometimes it feels easier to just give up and start afresh. But wait if you had just waited out a little longer? What if you missed out on the opportunity of a lifetime? What if not waiting was going to be one of the biggest regrets in your life? But what if it's time to move on? Where is the line between stubborn and stupidity? Ah, the never ending questions in my head.

So delicious.

Unsaid.

Some things are just better left unsaid. I’ve never been good with words, especially on the spot. I usually take my time to think about what I want to say and sometimes it takes me a while to respond.

But sometimes, there’s no point in saying anything more. If it’s not going to change anything or fix the problem, why say more and possibly bring more hurt? The trust has already been broken, wounds already inflicted. We can’t go back and change the past. Some mistakes you can fix, some you can’t. Forgiveness is one thing, but forgetting is another thing altogether.

So I’ll just leave it as it is.

Bridges.

"It takes both sides to build a bridge." But does it only take one side to burn it down?

And I Let Go.

And today, I’ve decided.

That I will let go.

Let go of the past. Of all those fond memories.

No use reminiscing the past if it’s only bringing up sad feelings.

Look at what you just lost.

I don’t want to feel anymore.

Numb. Yes, that’s the word. I want to feel numb. I don’t want to be on this rollercoaster of emotions anymore. One minute I’m happy, the next I’m sad. One minute I trust you, the next I think you’re a liar.

Trust. It can’t go on without trust. And you’ve ruined that trust once before. I used to think you were the best person in the world. Now I’ve come to learn you’re the worst of them all.

And I refuse to trust you again. I won’t do that to myself. You’ve put me through enough.

Late Night Thoughts.

Insomnia strikes again. I used to have really bad insomnia in college. But after working two jobs and going to school, I wore myself out so much that I was thankful to go to bed. But it seems like my insomnia has returned. Maybe it's the coffee I had hours ago. Or maybe I just have too many thoughts in my head. Today, I thought about how fast this year has gone by. Looking back at this same day last year, things have changed so much. Last year, I was headed on the trip of a lifetime. I was on a mission trip out of the country and it was the most inspirational and amazing thing I have done thus far. Never would I have thought I would be able to last that long overseas and in those conditions I had to go through. But that was nothing. It was nothing compared to all that I saw, the things I was able to experience, the people I had met. Besides the things overseas, things at home were also completely different. Family and friends were all well, relationships with everyone were good. This year, things are a bit strained and it really bothers me that I can't fix it. Maybe it's because I lacked the courage that I had so much of last year. Or maybe it's how it's supposed to be for now. Maybe this is a lesson in life. Or maybe I should just roll to the other side of the bed and count sheep.

Expectations.

Sometimes, you can’t help but expect things out of others. Others that you let in and have gotten close to you. Others that you’ve decided to trust in and rely on. Others that you wanted to give a chance to.

So what happens when those expectations aren’t met?

You’re left with disappointment, sadness, feelings that you hate to admit to.

If that’s the case, why do we still have expectations?

Hardship.

They say life becomes richer after hardship, that you get tougher, your heart grows stronger.

But what if I don’t feel those things?

I’m just grateful to have survived that hardship. But I’m still trying to figure out the lesson that hardship presented. Why did I have to go through that? How have I grown from it? Am I tougher or just more guarded now? Is my heart stronger or more wounded?

Thousands of Times.

I think you’ve crossed my minds thousands of times today. I won’t say millions because I try my best not to think of you. It’s like my security blanket got ripped away. From spending all day talking with you, knowing everything about you, what you’re doing, what you’re feeling... to nothing.

I guess we’re strangers now.

All that’s left is just a feeling of loneliness.

Of extreme sadness.

Who do I turn to now?