rainymood27

Latest Posts by rainymood27

Hardship.

They say life becomes richer after hardship, that you get tougher, your heart grows stronger.

But what if I don’t feel those things?

I’m just grateful to have survived that hardship. But I’m still trying to figure out the lesson that hardship presented. Why did I have to go through that? How have I grown from it? Am I tougher or just more guarded now? Is my heart stronger or more wounded?

Expectations.

Sometimes, you can’t help but expect things out of others. Others that you let in and have gotten close to you. Others that you’ve decided to trust in and rely on. Others that you wanted to give a chance to.

So what happens when those expectations aren’t met?

You’re left with disappointment, sadness, feelings that you hate to admit to.

If that’s the case, why do we still have expectations?

I don’t want to feel anymore.

Numb. Yes, that’s the word. I want to feel numb. I don’t want to be on this rollercoaster of emotions anymore. One minute I’m happy, the next I’m sad. One minute I trust you, the next I think you’re a liar.

Trust. It can’t go on without trust. And you’ve ruined that trust once before. I used to think you were the best person in the world. Now I’ve come to learn you’re the worst of them all.

And I refuse to trust you again. I won’t do that to myself. You’ve put me through enough.

A haiku for you.

Once upon a time

You left but I still stayed here

I miss you so much.

Patience.

Patience was never a virtue I thought I had. I mean sure, I have enough patience to wait for my Amazon package to arrive or the will power to not open a Christmas present early. But waiting for things to change, for things to change in my current life’s state, is difficult.

Waiting for that kind of change is so hard. You work towards the change to the best of your ability, but there is no end date or estimated time of arrival. With Amazon packages, you have tracking notifications. With Christmas presents, you know it occurs on the same day every year. But with life, no one knows. The only think I know is I’m still trying and I’m trying to make progress.

But how far I’m getting, how much closer I am, I wish I knew.

Unsaid.

Some things are just better left unsaid. I’ve never been good with words, especially on the spot. I usually take my time to think about what I want to say and sometimes it takes me a while to respond.

But sometimes, there’s no point in saying anything more. If it’s not going to change anything or fix the problem, why say more and possibly bring more hurt? The trust has already been broken, wounds already inflicted. We can’t go back and change the past. Some mistakes you can fix, some you can’t. Forgiveness is one thing, but forgetting is another thing altogether.

So I’ll just leave it as it is.

Thousands of Times.

I think you’ve crossed my minds thousands of times today. I won’t say millions because I try my best not to think of you. It’s like my security blanket got ripped away. From spending all day talking with you, knowing everything about you, what you’re doing, what you’re feeling... to nothing.

I guess we’re strangers now.

All that’s left is just a feeling of loneliness.

Of extreme sadness.

Who do I turn to now?

Being strong.

Always putting on a front.

Staying busy.

Keeping my mind occupied.

With anything.

To avoid thoughts of you.

To avoid thoughts of the past.

What’s done is done.

It is what it is.

So why can’t I move on already?

Life repeats itself.

Wow, it’s been a good few years since I’ve written in here. Does anyone even use this platform anymore?

Regardless, I’m just here to empty my thoughts again.

You’d think at my age, I would have learned better from my mistakes. But here I am, years later, scrolling through previous posts and once again, I’m finding myself in the same situations again.

Growth is hard. It really is. Whether it’s a change in careers, saying goodbye... it’s all hard. But growth makes you stronger. It prepares you for what’s ahead. And hopefully there are much, much brighter days ahead.

Or so they say.

Sorry.

I'm one of those people that is guilty for over-apologizing. "Sorry, I'm in your way." "Sorry, you dropped that because I distracted you." Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. To me, a sorry doesn't cost a lot and is something I don't mind giving out. However, there comes a time when you realize that the word "sorry" doesn't solve everything and that the other person truly doesn't deserve that word. Instead, I end up feeling sorry still for the other person, who is unable to see their mistakes and move past it. Just because I won't apologize doesn't mean I'm still lingering over it. Often, it means I don't care. If I've moved past it, what's keeping you from doing so at all? And so I end up feeling sorry after all. Oh, the irony.

Talking to Strangers.

It's been about a week since I've gotten back to reality. While on my trip, I met some very kind strangers. It was my first trip on my own, and I relied heavily on Google, Yelp, and the kindness of strangers. Some of these strangers led me to the most amazing sites I would never had stumbled across if I continued to blindly follow my tourist map. Some of these strangers also informed me about the most delicious, low down places to eat as well. The thing about trips is that they get your mind off of the stress back home. One thing I didn't expect was to help a stranger relieve some of his current stress since he was at home, not on a trip like me. That moment when what I said turned on the lightbulb in his own thoughts. I could see it not only all over his face, but in his eyes as well. He also started to cry. He then exclaimed, "how is it that a young girl like you could realize all that now when it's taken me almost a lifetime to realize what you just told me?" That thought resonated with me. I don't think it's fair to say I picked up on some life thought easier than he did. I just think everyone has their own experiences and will naturally have different life lessons that come on their own schedule. So the moral of this long story? Don't be afraid to talk to all strangers. You never know who will help you or who you can help in return.

Sometimes when you're up so high, you can feel so small.

There is such a thing as a happy ending.

No, not the Cinderella gets with the Prince type of happy ending. Not the bad guys get caught and the protagonist triumphs type of happy ending either. Sometimes, a happy ending simply just means coming to peace with what the conclusion came out to be. It may not be the ending you wished for, but as long as you have a will, and there are days ahead, you can make that ending however you want to make it. So you didn't get into your school of choice. So you didn't win the design project. So the boy you waited for didn't wait for you. It's all going to be okay. How do I know? I don't. But I trust in myself and I have faith in my future.

http://iglovequotes.net/

Heights and Falling.

I never minded heights. I love roller coasters and high top views. Seeing everything from a new point of view. But falling... Afraid of falling from that high point. Afraid of falling in love. Afraid of getting off that high that I get from you. And so I refuse to fall in love.

Time.

Time is a funny thing. It could mean everything. Or it could mean nothing.

And I Let Go.

And today, I’ve decided.

That I will let go.

Let go of the past. Of all those fond memories.

No use reminiscing the past if it’s only bringing up sad feelings.

Look at what you just lost.

Falling Apart.

And this is how they fell apart... Lack of words, lack of communication.... Too much confusion, too much misunderstanding... Too late to turn back...

It's Gonna Be Alright.

Tick tock. This year is just zooming past. I wonder if I’ll ever get a chance to just stop and enjoy it.

It’s been stressful but I know I’m working towards something great. Something that I’ve been wanting. Something that I’ve been needing. Something that’s just for me. Nobody else.

So although the road is long and trying, I know I’ll eventually be alright. Thank you to those who stuck beside me, supporting me. Special thanks to those who didn’t just give up on me, and hung on to me as a friend, because they could see the potential in me. Thank you.

Distance.

Sometimes you have to distance yourself from someone, to provide them the space they need. This space – you thought it was what they deserved.

So you wait. And wait.

But you also long to hear from them. For things to be okay again. For everything to go back to the way it was.

But at this point in time, it hasn’t. And it kills you. And it’s your fault.

Can’t you hear my thoughts? I wish I could hear yours. To see if I even cross your mind.

I know you crossed my mind a million times today.

So delicious.

http://iglovequotes.net/

Slow.

I'm guilty of being slow to realize things. Sometimes when I do come to a realization, feelings have already been hurt or things are then out of my control. I go through life trying to be good as I can, trying to bring happiness to as many people as I can. But the truth is there are going to be people that you hurt, whether it is intentional or not. And as much as you try to fix it, some things just can't be fixed. Some things you will just learn to live with. Some things you sleep and forget about the next day.

Nostalgic.

Today was meant to be a happy day - a day that symbolized me getting back on my feet after a struggling emotionally and physically these past few years. I was so excited about today that I couldn’t fall asleep. With my busy lifestyle, not immediately falling asleep as soon as I lay down in bed is an indicator that something is up. 

But today finally came. I officially started a new chapter in my life. However, it also made me reminisce on the past. The lifestyle I had, the friends I kept close... So much has changed. Nothing particularly bad had happened, just time. Time changes everything. Everyone has their own lives to live, their own paths to follow. And sometimes, it just means our paths don’t cross anymore, and we are meant to go about that path alone now. Or at least until we come across an opportunity to make new friends.

But still, I’m missing some of my good friends today. We all still talk, but it isn’t the same. To my friends: I miss each and every one of you, and I hope you’re all doing well. I hope we all get a chance to reconnect soon. 

Monday blues.

Silence.

Who knew silence could be so deafening? I’ve never been great at reading between the lines, but I can take a hint. But dare I do anything about it until it’s confirmed and stated loud and clear? Never.

Sometimes silence is very much appreciated. While anxiously waiting, you reflect on your actions. However, you sometimes stress yourself out trying to figure out what is going on on the other end and your mind races through the multiple possibilities that could result after the silence. 

So in the end, what do I do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing but sit and wait. 

Late Night Thoughts.

Insomnia strikes again. I used to have really bad insomnia in college. But after working two jobs and going to school, I wore myself out so much that I was thankful to go to bed. But it seems like my insomnia has returned. Maybe it's the coffee I had hours ago. Or maybe I just have too many thoughts in my head. Today, I thought about how fast this year has gone by. Looking back at this same day last year, things have changed so much. Last year, I was headed on the trip of a lifetime. I was on a mission trip out of the country and it was the most inspirational and amazing thing I have done thus far. Never would I have thought I would be able to last that long overseas and in those conditions I had to go through. But that was nothing. It was nothing compared to all that I saw, the things I was able to experience, the people I had met. Besides the things overseas, things at home were also completely different. Family and friends were all well, relationships with everyone were good. This year, things are a bit strained and it really bothers me that I can't fix it. Maybe it's because I lacked the courage that I had so much of last year. Or maybe it's how it's supposed to be for now. Maybe this is a lesson in life. Or maybe I should just roll to the other side of the bed and count sheep.

Thankful.

Today I woke up. I woke up in a warm bed, had a warm shower, had a delicious cup of coffee, had a good car help me get to work. All those might not seem luxurious, but it might be considered a luxury to some others out there. It's a blessing to wake up breathing and living healthy. It's a blessing to know that you have a full day ahead of you, and that it's not your last. It's a blessing to have a job to go to, to have an income. It's a blessing to anticipate the next day. So even though the day may have been hard, it's only a few hours away from tomorrow. If tomorrow isn't great either, then hey, there's always the weekend!