Things I Shoulda Known

I know! Though I do think that some of them might’ve had platonic crushes (”squishes”) rather than romantic crushes, but yeah romance doesn’t compute or make sense. It definitely seems subjective and varying on the individuals boundaries and then to add on top of that there’s also trauma and just one’s overall lived experience, though I do notice that some people will change their boundaries once getting to know someone as it can be a little awkward when getting to know someone in general. So yeah, basically I 100% agree with what you said above, as they don’t seem serious, but maybe they could be, not like I know.

It funny how I was able to accept that I was ace, granted I was in denial about it for some time. Then I realized I was aro and was like…”NONONO…I know I have no desire to date anyone, but NONONONONONONOnonono….I haven’t dated anyone…I don’t know what a crush feels like, let alone attraction!!! I’ve never had any fantasies!!! Wait-…people fantasize ABOUT ONE ANOTHER?!! I wouldn’t date any stranger or my friends!!!” and then I had the most funny thought at a certain point (before I knew the term aromantic) and it was, “Well maybe if I move countries I’ll be able to fall in love!!!!”, and meanwhile when romance/sex would show up in media I’d be like “Where is the plot?! Why did we lose the plot?! People actually want this?! WAIT-?! Do people act like this?!”. I also thought people were just deadass lying when they said they experienced crushes in kindergarten, which they probably weren’t lying. I will say though I do love food. I mean pesto is an absolute god. Chocolate is amazing (though if don’t like chocolate that’s cool too, same with any other food). But bread…oh my god! I love naan, rolls, and most breads.

Toxic Friendships

As the title says I’m going to talk about toxic friendships because they’re shitty as hell dude. Like there were these two people that I knew, well okay we go to the same school and well one of ‘em was possessive of me, and didn’t respect my physical boundaries and he’d always lean on me (without asking mind you) during the classes we had together, and we still unfortunately have those same classes together, but I sit with other people who respect me, which wow...it’s truly amazing. This person and another person put down my art and called it projection every time I would show them a piece and they brought down one of my closest friends. I’m in the midst of relearning some social skill that I had learned from those unhealthy relationships. Also the physical-boundary-person and the rip-my-confidence-for-showing-art-person were really judgemental, not that I’m not judgemental at all, but they for sure clouded my judgement. I hung out with both of them because I was scared and insecure, and then I started loving myself and I started seeing the cracks. Also the symbiote-person liked me at a certain point, making the “affection” make me feel as if I were being taking advantage of because I gave them a second chance, hell I might’ve given him more than he deserved. I understand that they both have shit going on. I GET THAT! I just don’t want them to hurt other people and that includes themselves. They need to grow up for fucks sake! I’m just so tired of having to be sympathetic towards people who hurt me! I know I definitely contributed and I’m sorry that I did! They are like babies (or just middle schoolers...no offence to anyone who’d in middle school)! I’m tired of having to be mature! I’m tired of feeling hurt! I’m tired of seeing their guilty faces! Okay one of them always looks guilty and he also stares at me (symbiote-person) sometimes and it’s creepy as hell! I deleted their contacts because I need to let them go, but it’s so hard because I still feel so hurt and I’m scared that one of ‘em will try to pull me back. I’m so scared. I’m scared to be vulnerable again. I want to be strong, but what if I’m judged so hard. I’m so fucking scared. I wanna be a better friend to other people than they ever were to me. 

You know what’s better than romance and sex. Food. Garlic bread and cake coming my way. 

It funny how I was able to accept that I was ace, granted I was in denial about it for some time. Then I realized I was aro and was like...”NONONO...I know I have no desire to date anyone, but NONONONONONONOnonono....I haven’t dated anyone...I don’t know what a crush feels like, let alone attraction!!! I’ve never had any fantasies!!! Wait-...people fantasize ABOUT ONE ANOTHER?!! I wouldn’t date any stranger or my friends!!!” and then I had the most funny thought at a certain point (before I knew the term aromantic) and it was, “Well maybe if I move countries I’ll be able to fall in love!!!!”, and meanwhile when romance/sex would show up in media I’d be like “Where is the plot?! Why did we lose the plot?! People actually want this?! WAIT-?! Do people act like this?!”. I also thought people were just deadass lying when they said they experienced crushes in kindergarten, which they probably weren’t lying. I will say though I do love food. I mean pesto is an absolute god. Chocolate is amazing (though if don’t like chocolate that’s cool too, same with any other food). But bread...oh my god! I love naan, rolls, and most breads.

A lil’ story

When I was 11 there was some fortune teller that basically told me love life (which none)

He said that I would have a “lover” by the age of 14-15. And then he said I’d have one at 16-17 (I kinda forgot which one or if he said both). And one at 19.

Fortuneteller: Ah yes you will have many lovers

Me, an aroace in my head thinking: Huh...I haven’t any crushes yet...what’s it supposed to feel like? That’s not weird...right?

Later that year I went to a party...I think I was 12 then...and still nobody was “attractive”. 

And I was just waiting and I heard two people telling each other that they liked each other and then one of them was absolutely pissed at me...and I was like “Oh I like said person”...except I did not...I was just really scared. 

I continued to force crushes over the years, and I’m 16 now...and I feel absolutely nothing that people would call attraction. Every time I would tell people, like my friends, the “crush” would just go away (instantly if I may add) and I was like “okay...maybe next time?” but also “Uhm...is that normal...that’s not normal, right?”

Then covid happened and I was touch starved...and there was someone who was nice on the team (not gonna say...okay, but it was a sports team), and I thought: “Wow they’re so nice...maybe my crush won’t vanish!”. Then I told my friends and...it did indeed vanish. I did however want to become the persons friend badly...and that’s not going well, but if they see this...hi..can we be friends?

In conclusion, that fortune teller was talking out of his ass, excuse my language, but he was as I have no clue what a crush is supposed to feel like.

#aromantic #aromantic as fuck #this guy was dead wrong and I dunno why I believed him #Also he thought I was a girl, which...no I’m just non-binary #asexual #asexual as fuck #squish #I kinda wish I knew what aroace was instead of forcing crushes, but I’m glad I know now #aroace

short story? (fictional..I guess)

Tuesday, 1:45 pm

Today was a windy day on the East bay. My feet are crunching the blank ground beneath my feet. I’m wearing a jacket but it’s so cold! The wool socks I’m wearing are a bit wet, and that was when I remembered I had hot chocolate at home. As I was on my way home, I see these to people close together. What are they doing? Why are they kissing? Aren’t they a bit close? Are they friends? I don’t know what to think.

I spot someone else across the street, and I could sense their jealousy of the close two. Then I heard the the two say, “I love you, my sweet sunshine!”, at the same time, but it wasn’t exact.

They’re in love. Love! What utter bullshit. 

I hurried along the snow, almost frustrated. Okay, not almost, I was frustrated. I AM FRUSTRATED! Why am I so frustrated?! Oh I’m home. Great.

My stiff discolored hands reach for the doorknob. It’s so cold and metallic. As I open the oak doors to my home, I close it just as quickly. 

SIGH

My mind is carrying a weight that I don’t to be true. I can’t fall in love. Well, at least, I don’t think so. Oh how I wish I could feel those wonderful feelings.

I enter my disheveled room, not prepared for anything, so I collapse onto my bed in all my warm clothes. 

Wednesday, 3 am

I’m hungry. My eyes are a bit blurry, so I rub them, so I can see once again. It’s 3 AM!! My stomach hurts, so I go to the kitchen, and look at my fridge.

It’s empty. Great! Just great.

I spot a remote to left and pick it to turn on my tv, then I hear my ringer go off. It’s my best friend, Jean. Well, I have a few best friends, and I love them so much. It’s not romantic...is there a word for that? ...I mean there can’t be...can there?

I pick up my phone and this is how the conversation goes:

Me: Fitz?! Isn’t it a bit late?

Fitz: lol Jet lol, why r u up at this time?

Me: I...I couldn’t sleep. 

Fitz: lol same.

Me: Fitz, I need help? 

Fitz: okay bestie! what u need help with?

Me: Well...I think I’m broken?!

Fitz: WOAH THERE!!! Who are you and what did you do to my bestie?!

Me: pfft...OH GOD it’s 4 am already!!!

Fitz: 9 pm over here baBY!

Me: I can’t fall in love...is that bad?

Fitz: Bro...why’d u thing it was wrong?

Me: because I’ve been told that I’ll fall in love with somebody, but it is yet to happen.

Fitz: u could be...aromantic? #noromo

Me: I’ve gotta feel a little attraction...right?

Fitz: Mate, calm ya tits, and look the damn thing up!

Me: okay okay...I WILL :{

.....

...

Fitz: Good night Jet, you’re an amazing friend :O

Me: Thanks, gn

Fitz: ‘night

12 hours later

OH shit...I fell asleep with the tv on! And yesterday...oh GOD!!! I miss Fitz. They were such a good friend...and I guess I’ll take their advice...not that I want to. I open up my computer and start typing in “Signs I might be aromantic?” and “What does it mean to be aromantic?”, and lastly “Am I aro?”. I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole, but OOO!

Th-that’s me...THAT’S ME!! Fitz was right...I am aromantic.... Wait there’s other like me. THere’s a whole spectrum?! ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!! WHY aren’t we taught this earlier?! If only I found out sooner...then everything would have hurt less. Well, it’s not like I can change much, so I guess I’m glad I came to this strange conclusion?

So yeah yesterday was cold, but now I feel a bit warmer knowing a bit more about myself. So HAH! Take that world! I’m gonna soar beyond and create my own path because I don’t need to fall in love to be human. Why is it shown so much though? The media is weird. Okay....a lot of things are weird. 

Well...this was a prompt for inktober and I had way to much fun...and I dunno if anyone’s going to notice this because social media and artists don’t always work out well...especially now...anyways...my art style has changed a lot, but I like a lot better now...and I learned a thing or two about proportions and anatomy since the last drawings I posted. It’d be real cool if someone shared this cause that’s what I want my art to be for. To tell a story.

I dunno if anyone will see this..but hi...it’s been awhile.

Hi! I am really hoping to get a little bit of help as I've had a bit of hardluck fall on me this month. Trying to hold it together for the kids but any help would really be a blessing You've been a great help to me and the kids🙏❤️🙏

PLS HELP AND SHARE IF YOU CAN AND READ MY PINNED

I hear you!! We gotta help this STRONG homie!! Things to help 'em would be as listed...SUIT UP fellows!!!

Reblogging

Crossposting

Sharing through email/messages/etc

Word of mouth

Whatever you can come up with that can help a fellow person.

Hey friend, I hope I can ask a favour from you. I’m a black non-binary lesbian going through a tough phase as Both of my parents are openly homophobic and transphobic. I've organised a crowdfunding to solicit for support to evacuate my home, it's been help for me. Please consider to donate to my pinned link on my profile if you can Reblog and share my pin post to reach a large audience with support . Anything helps at the moment.🙏❤️

Yo yo fellow potatoes/gremlings/gremlins/earthlings/humans (idk anymore ya'll's be cool), let's gather to help a homie out! As said above, they need help, so yeah. They have a link, so imma put it here :): https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-black-nonbinary-escape-transphobia-household?qid=0558df410eb45b5a29218a7e283e4a8b

If you aren't able to help them, perhaps tell your friends or enemies, I dunno, but tell them, that this is a story about a person in need, and that they need a lift from you. A lift could be as simple as word of mouth, reblogging, texting, crossposting on various platforms, and if there's anything else use that creativity or some strategic way to help this epic human :)