Falling Apart.

Meh.

Today has been one of those days - the ones you don't absolutely hate, but you definitely don't love either. It feels like one of those days that you could have lived without. For all those that are saying, "Oh, that means you aren't living life to the fullest! Shame on you!" please stop. You can't expect every day to be glorious and amazing. You have to have your share of good and bad days in order to appreciate life. So although today hasn't been great, tomorrow might be. Until then, I shall wait.

Expectations.

Sometimes, you can’t help but expect things out of others. Others that you let in and have gotten close to you. Others that you’ve decided to trust in and rely on. Others that you wanted to give a chance to.

So what happens when those expectations aren’t met?

You’re left with disappointment, sadness, feelings that you hate to admit to.

If that’s the case, why do we still have expectations?

Being strong.

Always putting on a front.

Staying busy.

Keeping my mind occupied.

With anything.

To avoid thoughts of you.

To avoid thoughts of the past.

What’s done is done.

It is what it is.

So why can’t I move on already?

Uncontrollable.

There are just certain aspects in your life that you simply can't control. You can't really control who walks into your life, and sometimes you can't control who walks out of your life. Unexpected events that can occur can break your normal routine as well. Some of these events can turn into blessings while some other events are still taking time for recovery. Emotions. Sometimes it's hard to control them as well. You get angry, you get sad, you are elated, you're in love. So many emotions come and go repeatedly throughout our lives. Hopefully someday we'll have it all figured out. Until then, I'll stumble and fall as I find my way. Bruises and nightblindness and all.

Life repeats itself.

Wow, it’s been a good few years since I’ve written in here. Does anyone even use this platform anymore?

Regardless, I’m just here to empty my thoughts again.

You’d think at my age, I would have learned better from my mistakes. But here I am, years later, scrolling through previous posts and once again, I’m finding myself in the same situations again.

Growth is hard. It really is. Whether it’s a change in careers, saying goodbye... it’s all hard. But growth makes you stronger. It prepares you for what’s ahead. And hopefully there are much, much brighter days ahead.

Or so they say.

Sorry.

I'm one of those people that is guilty for over-apologizing. "Sorry, I'm in your way." "Sorry, you dropped that because I distracted you." Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. To me, a sorry doesn't cost a lot and is something I don't mind giving out. However, there comes a time when you realize that the word "sorry" doesn't solve everything and that the other person truly doesn't deserve that word. Instead, I end up feeling sorry still for the other person, who is unable to see their mistakes and move past it. Just because I won't apologize doesn't mean I'm still lingering over it. Often, it means I don't care. If I've moved past it, what's keeping you from doing so at all? And so I end up feeling sorry after all. Oh, the irony.

Heights and Falling.

I never minded heights. I love roller coasters and high top views. Seeing everything from a new point of view. But falling... Afraid of falling from that high point. Afraid of falling in love. Afraid of getting off that high that I get from you. And so I refuse to fall in love.

Nostalgic.

Today was meant to be a happy day - a day that symbolized me getting back on my feet after a struggling emotionally and physically these past few years. I was so excited about today that I couldn’t fall asleep. With my busy lifestyle, not immediately falling asleep as soon as I lay down in bed is an indicator that something is up. 

But today finally came. I officially started a new chapter in my life. However, it also made me reminisce on the past. The lifestyle I had, the friends I kept close... So much has changed. Nothing particularly bad had happened, just time. Time changes everything. Everyone has their own lives to live, their own paths to follow. And sometimes, it just means our paths don’t cross anymore, and we are meant to go about that path alone now. Or at least until we come across an opportunity to make new friends.

But still, I’m missing some of my good friends today. We all still talk, but it isn’t the same. To my friends: I miss each and every one of you, and I hope you’re all doing well. I hope we all get a chance to reconnect soon. 

It's Gonna Be Alright.

Tick tock. This year is just zooming past. I wonder if I’ll ever get a chance to just stop and enjoy it.

It’s been stressful but I know I’m working towards something great. Something that I’ve been wanting. Something that I’ve been needing. Something that’s just for me. Nobody else.

So although the road is long and trying, I know I’ll eventually be alright. Thank you to those who stuck beside me, supporting me. Special thanks to those who didn’t just give up on me, and hung on to me as a friend, because they could see the potential in me. Thank you.

Slow.

I'm guilty of being slow to realize things. Sometimes when I do come to a realization, feelings have already been hurt or things are then out of my control. I go through life trying to be good as I can, trying to bring happiness to as many people as I can. But the truth is there are going to be people that you hurt, whether it is intentional or not. And as much as you try to fix it, some things just can't be fixed. Some things you will just learn to live with. Some things you sleep and forget about the next day.