Thoughts - Blog Posts

Friendships are such an interesting component of humanity. They truly serve us in a valuable way in terms of finding connection, interaction, community, and belonging. It’s fascinating and colorful to also see how different people think and value friendship and companionship. I had a rough conversation with my mother about some problems that I have been having about my own friendships at the moment. She brought up the fact that she doesn’t rely on friendships that much because she had a strong relationship to her family that she knew would never waver. She saw reoccurring patterns in the people that she attempted to be friends with, was continuously hurt by people that were a risk to trust, so she realized that friendship wasn’t that important to her.

There is always a risk when you meet someone, or are trying to make friends, or start a new relationship. Deciding what, when, how, and why you want to share with people is always risky, and exposing and opening yourself to people is always a hard thing to do. But why is it so easy for me? I actually find a lot of comfort and release when I open up to people and share who I am with people. I feel like I am getting closer to knowing my authentic self when I let go of expectations and hesitations about who people think I am when I just honestly tell people about myself. However, as a sophomore in college, I have learned to fear that side of myself. I have learned the patterns of hurt and betrayal that surround me with friendships, and even the problems that I am experiencing right now with my friends follow the same trend. I value and think of friendships to be a deeper connection than what most people think for themselves. My family never served to treat me in a loving, caring, affectionate, stable way, and didn’t teach and show me how relationships work and function. Through the abuse and trauma that they inflicted on me, I don’t have a safe space that my mother had when she was growing up. She had a bright, caring family to come back to, I have a dark chasm of self hatred and longing. A chasm that is reserved and meant to be filled by the love, affirmation, and belonging by my family.

So I look to friendships instead to fill that chasm. I pour my all into trying to build a support system through friendships that grow. Being seen, recognized, accepted, and loved put the pieces back together that have always been broken inside me. But the pieces only held together by aging glue. Until they fall apart again because those seemingly supportive friendships weren’t as supportive as I was led to believe. I have a twisted view on friendships, believing that the way that I see and value my friends are, by default, the same way that my friends see and value me, but that is a lie that I keep telling myself. I don’t mean the same thing to them, the same way they mean to me. Why is that so hard for me to understand and live with? Maybe it’s because they will never be the family that I should have received growing up. Maybe it’s because I have too much baggage to be supported by the unstable connections between us that I am desperately relying on. Maybe I am looking in all the wrong places for something that will never be found because the time for that has long passed. Or maybe the problem is just me?

My friends do not owe me anything. My friends are not obligated to constantly support me and fill/fix the everlasting holes within me. Do I address my issues with them? Even when I know that they probably will be offended by what I have to say? I am putting them in an impossibly difficult place. But is it so wrong of me to not to want to be alone? Is it wrong of me to want to feel like I am not broken or damaged, and want to feel like I have people I can come back to no matter what? But maybe that opportunity is not meant for me anymore. Maybe this is all I am meant to get from relationships at this point. I should be more grateful for what I have, for my friends, and for everything that they have done for me, but I can’t help but want for more. But alas, friendships aren’t meant to be used for self-gratification, for me to feel liked, loved, accepted. For me to feel like me, just once, in my fucked up life. please… But maybe this is a sign that instead of trying so hard to get something that is impossible to get, I should learn to live and adapt to what people’s emotional capacities are. I should be willing to sacrifice my wants, needs and desires, and be real with the rest of the world. Because in reality, the time has passed for the world to be able to meet my wants, needs, and desires. Now the world will never be enough.

Okay, I know that I post basically only art, but in Marvel and DC there's legit just time squared, like there is a timeline but then a timeline of changes to the timeline as well and it's very funky to think about. I'll draw something later to attach to this.

I am in the middle of rewatching the 2003 version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles during my summer break from college, this time with my father, who had only seen bits and pieces of it when I watched it as a child. We are currently on season four, which fans often refer to as the "post-traumatic stress disorder arc" for Leonardo, as it depicts his mental deterioration and increasing anger, even surpassing that of his notoriously hot-headed brother.

While doing the dishes, I asked my father what he thought of the arc so far. He simply said, "He seems angry." I agreed, replying, "Yeah, he's angry at himself." My father responded, "Yeah, but he's also angry at his brothers." This made me pause. I knew Leonardo had moments where he was upset with his brothers for not training enough or for goofing off, but I had not thought of him as being outright angry with them.

Then my father elaborated, "He's angry because they're not perfect, like he expects himself to be." This was a revelation for me. I had always interpreted this arc as Leonardo being angry at himself for not being good enough, but it makes a lot of sense that if he holds himself to such a high standard, he would hold his brothers to the same—and get frustrated and angry when they inevitably do not meet it.

I think a less explored aspect of this arc is that Leonardo is exhausted from carrying the burden alone and was trying to share it with his brothers. However, they do not carry it the same way he does, which does not make them lesser—it just makes them young and still wanting a life outside of crime fighting. Michelangelo captures this sentiment best in the same season when he says,”I think all of you should just lay off the poor guy. I mean, it can't be fun. Always being the responsible one, and we’re the ones who really benefit. Raph's free not to think cause Leo does all the thinking for him, Don's free to dream, And I'm free to take it easy, all cause Leonardo is busy being responsible enough for all of us.”

Anyway, at the ripe age of twenty-two and in graduate school, I find myself once again feeling melancholic over little green guys.

I don’t know why my mind insists on making me sad, but I just can’t stop thinking about Max in S3 being SO in denial about Billy being the new host for the Mind Flayer or ANYTHING being off about him. Even when El, someone who knows MUCH more about the Upside Down and the Mind Flayer, claims something odd is going on with Billy, she persistently tried to rationalize all the weird things discovered.

Such as when they found ice bags in his bathtub:

Max says that they were “probably for his muscles or something [cause] he works out like a maniac”.

Even if Max really believed that it was some weird workout thing, if I found my sibling’s tub full of ice, I would have definitely been more weirded out; she was mostly dismissive about it.

Or when El said that Billy seemed wrong when they found him at Heather’s house, Max reassures in a humorous way:

“Wrong is kind of like his default, but it’s nice to know he’s not a murderer, because that would have totally sucked”

Despite seeing that Heather was indeed ok, there was still the BLOODY WHISTLE found in her brother’s room. And she was adamant that, as long as Heather didn’t seem harmed in any way, it was enough to disregard ANY suspicions of Billy doing wrong.

Or the Party points out how weird it is for Billy to be fully covered from head to toe at the pool

Max: I don’t know, he looks pretty normal to me.

Lucas: Normal? How many times have you seen him with a shirt on?

Max: I mean it’s a little weird….

Max knows Billy better than anyone in Hawkins. She KNOWS that Billy shows off his body any chance he gets. It is NOT normal to dress more conservatively out of the blue.

It is only during the Sauna Test that she couldn’t deny the fact that Billy is, without a doubt, the new host.

It is so heartbreaking because we can tell that their relationship has improved from where it was left in S2 (when she nearly crushed his nuts with a spiky baseball bat).

I can already imagine that between S2 and S3, they came to a sort of truce. Their relationship wouldn’t do a complete 180 of course. But it would be the type of truce where they would try to be less hostile towards each other, keep their tempers in check, and minimize the arguing between them. That would eventually lead to them having a mutual understanding and respect of each other.

Billy and Max share a lot of similarities (both are headstrong and outspoken) and been put in the same miserable situation (moving away from their home in California), that once they were able to put their bitterness towards each other aside, they formed a kinship and found out that, hey, maybe having this little shitbird/asshole as a sibling isn’t so bad.Their relationship was finally improving and on the path for the better.

Until the Mind Flayer put that progress to a screeching halt.

Alright, I’m done with my depressing rant.🥲

Check out my playlist I made for everyone’s favorite anti-couple!

The fact that they only appeared in like 10 episodes is a sin

What was Jesus Like I Wonder.

I know that Jesus was sinless.

Jesus was the perfect being

However......

What was he like?

Did he ever break his bones?

Did he perchance dislike his mother's cooking on occasion?

Did he tell jokes?

Did he have a sassy attitude?

Maybe he wrote poetry?

Did he even know how to write?

In fact, just thinking about it, I'm willing to bet money that Jesus picked his nose.

Jesus was the Son of God, and the perfect human, but I don't think that God's perfect is necessarily what people like to value. 

Anywhoodles, With that I'll take my leave. Have a great night everyone!

It's been a while since I've come on here. Might start telling my every thought on here again lol

Almost Mental Health Awareness Month

Apparently it’s almost Mental Health Awareness month. Does that mean that there’s a mental health acceptance month? Or is the awareness month also including acceptance? I don’t know. I didn’t even know there was a mental health awareness month.

Either way, seems nice. I think. I hope everyone has a nice day.

Hahaha LoL! Honestly though, I believe everyone has their own brand of weird. If everyone is weird, that means that weird is normal. Which makes normal weird. It’s like a sort of feedback loop. Whether it’s a metaphorical loop or not, others can decide I guess.

Random thoughts

So you know how you have these dreams, like stuff that you want to do, and you hope that someday it will magically just happen? Like visiting a place or having a good relationship. Well guess what? Things don't just happen. You gotta work for it, not sit around and hope that opportunities will randomly stroll into your life.

No more energy in me to save a relationship or friendship .. if you wanna go just go

I love headcanons as a concept because it is so silly to me that a person can look at some random character and just decide something about them.

You don’t even need evidence to back it up most of the time. It’s just vibes.

And everyone has their own little headcanons that we can trade around like Pokémon.

It’s especially great when a headcanon becomes so popular it’s basically accepted as canon.

For those who need it.

Those who need it.

Writing Tips

Punctuating Dialogue

✧

➸ “This is a sentence.”

➸ “This is a sentence with a dialogue tag at the end,” she said.

➸ “This,” he said, “is a sentence split by a dialogue tag.”

➸ “This is a sentence,” she said. “This is a new sentence. New sentences are capitalized.”

➸ “This is a sentence followed by an action.” He stood. “They are separate sentences because he did not speak by standing.”

➸ She said, “Use a comma to introduce dialogue. The quote is capitalized when the dialogue tag is at the beginning.”

➸ “Use a comma when a dialogue tag follows a quote,” he said.

“Unless there is a question mark?” she asked.

“Or an exclamation point!” he answered. “The dialogue tag still remains uncapitalized because it’s not truly the end of the sentence.”

➸ “Periods and commas should be inside closing quotations.”

➸ “Hey!” she shouted, “Sometimes exclamation points are inside quotations.”

However, if it’s not dialogue exclamation points can also be “outside”!

➸ “Does this apply to question marks too?” he asked.

If it’s not dialogue, can question marks be “outside”? (Yes, they can.)

➸ “This applies to dashes too. Inside quotations dashes typically express—“

“Interruption” — but there are situations dashes may be outside.

➸ “You’ll notice that exclamation marks, question marks, and dashes do not have a comma after them. Ellipses don’t have a comma after them either…” she said.

➸ “My teacher said, ‘Use single quotation marks when quoting within dialogue.’”

➸ “Use paragraph breaks to indicate a new speaker,” he said.

“The readers will know it’s someone else speaking.”

➸ “If it’s the same speaker but different paragraph, keep the closing quotation off.

“This shows it’s the same character continuing to speak.”

Tea for everyone who is visiting.

I know I should give her

Her space

But how am I supposed to rest

When my heart is trying its hardest

To break out of my ribcage

But I swear this oath today

From now on anything that comes for you

Will break against my flesh

I am always late

But not anymore

How dare I forget what I am for

No more

The wolf is dead

The wolf is dead

The wolf is back

There were so many good moments but this one made me tear up unexpectedly

One day

I will wake up and not

Ache for you

But today is not that day

Me: writes heart felt lines as a way to cope with the pain of heart break that has never gone away even after 7 years. On a blog that no one knows about so my feelings don't get revealed.

Also me: Tiiiitssss

Me: like sexy coz plays cause it's something I want to adapt into my art style

Also me: hasn't drawn anything for 3 months

Me: Want to write and make posts about lesser known book series that I love

Also me: doesn't

You don't love her. If you did, you'd be with her

Yet you wither

Either wasting time,

Or doing so little

All the years that pass

Filled with moments

That would've should've could've

If only we weren't ourselves

Pathetic

Rb for sample size

rb for sample size

I'm here

i feel like im not meant to be alive in this world and any moment now everythings going to catch up to where it should be and ill blink out of existence like a phantom island removed as the maps are redrawn. am i right or am i right ladies? ladies? any ladies in the audience? any ladies out there tonight? any ladies out there? anyone out there? is anyone there? anyone

All these KOs.... and I.... become so numb.... I can't feel you there....

“who is linkin park?” - one shot KO by my younger coworker

I wish someone would fight me for me.

I am loosing against myself

Someone help.

I wish I had never met you

Now you are so far away

I met you

I loved you

And now I live with this feeling

That something is missing

Something irreplaceable

I wish I never knew this feeling

I wish I had never loved you

I wish I had never met you

A button poetry inspired by the Norse mythology comic by @yeehawpim

.

.

.

When the Gods came to the Great wolf

Fenrir

He must have thought it just another day

Bright and grand

He must have thought it a game

These were the people who had raised him

And there was Tyr

his friend

They bind him He broke free

He must have rejoiced in his victory

Then the gods came again With different chains

Doubt would have taken hold But he must have ignored it

Bolstering his resolve in his strength thinking

He had nothing to fear

Since Tyr was there

But when the gods

Brought forth the cords

He must have sensed something amiss

This was no game

They wanted something from him

He must have recalled The fleeting hateful stares

But he also must have also remembered

How he played with Tyr

He would not let anything Happen to him

He must have cursed himself

For doubting his friend

For asking for Tyr's hand

But what is done is done he couldn’t go back

And now I sit and wonder

When the wolf couldn't break the cords

Did he pause?

Did Tyr know what would happen?

And offered his flesh regardless?

Or Maybe In guild for what was going to happen to his friend?

What he had caused?

There must have been A moment

When the great wolf pled

Hoping that he would be saved by his friend

Or maybe he wished for Tyr to pull back his hand?

And now I think

That when the wolf bit down

Maybe it wasn't from anger

Maybe it was from sorrow

His friend had made his choice

So maybe he bit

So the blood would hide his tears

Tyr was there

And he had betrayed him

I made myself sad today

a comic with some norse mythology