Latest Posts by andyrg099 - Page 4

andreil dead poet society AU fanfic when??

neil as neil obviously and todd as andrew 🙁

it's always so fascinating and heartbreaking when a character in a story is simultaneously idolized and abused. a chosen prophet destined for martyrdom. a child prodigy forced to grow up too fast. a powerful warrior raised as nothing but a weapon. there's just something so uniquely messed up about singing someone's praises whilst destroying them.

my favourite thing about the perfect court is how they are all parallels of each other - each person could have ended up like one of the others, but they didn’t.

neil could’ve ended up like jean, if his mother hadn’t taken him and run. neil could’ve ended up like riko, if he’d internalised his father’s abuse and tried to earn his affection instead of fearing it. if he’d tried to become someone his father would be proud of - like riko does - he would’ve become heartlessly violent. but he doesn’t.

jean could’ve been like neil, if he’d had just one family member care about him enough to run. he could’ve ended up like kevin, if he’d gone with him when kevin ran. he could’ve been like riko, if he’d taken everything that had been done to him and inflicted it on the world/people around him, but he doesn’t.

kevin could’ve ended up like riko, if he’d twisted tetsuji’s abuse enough to believe that the things he deserved were taken from him. he could’ve ended up like jean, if he’d refused to run after his hand was broken.

riko could’ve ended up like any of them. if an adult had cared about him enough to save him, he could’ve ended up like neil. if he’d hated his father instead of fighting for his attention, or if he internalised the abuse he faced instead of inflicting the same abuse on others, he’d have been more like jean or neil. if he’d accepted his place and decided to fight for the things he did have - exy, kevin - he’d have been more like kevin. but he doesn’t.

yes, their situations are largely shaped by the people around them - riko, jean, and kevin (until he learns about wymack) do not have an adult in their lives that cares about them enough to change their situation. but it’s also their individual responses to their abuse that shapes how they act. i’m not trying to say that people get to choose their trauma response, but it’s important that riko and neil parallel each other because we’re shown the could have beens. it shows you that it really only takes one person to change everything - mary taking neil and running is so so so important for how neil’s character and personality and trauma response turns out.

neil could’ve ended up like riko, but he doesn’t. riko could’ve ended up like neil, but he doesn’t.

andrew interacts with neil like he's playing episode with no diamonds

I will never be over Andrew's "You are a pipe dream" because it's so beautifully tragic.

Imagine you're Andrew and one day this suspicious guy who can't hold his tongue shows up. And nothing about him makes sense, but what makes the least sense is the fact that he treats Andrew like he matters.

He treats Andrew, a guy who everyone, including his family, sees as a monster, like he isn't one. Like he deserves to be understood and taken care of.

And the fact is so unbelievable to Andrew that he could only explain it as some elaborate hallucination caused by his happy pills. Neil was just too wonderful to be real. Good things like that just don't happen to Andrew.

i think one of my favorite things about aftg is how it so subtly shows such a deep level of affection through languages. like kevin learning french for jean even though it is a dangerous thing to do at the nest and neil and andrew learning a new language together post tkm and one of the first things jeremy asks jean being to teach him french. i want to know who you are in your mother language, i want to speak to you in a language that no one but us understands, i want to understand the language that you dream in

Look me in the eyes and tell me Neil 'not if it means losing you' Josten isn't Wall-E.

Look me in the eyes and tell me Andrew 'stand down and let me deal with it' Minyard isn't Eve.

Look in my eyes and tell me Kevin 'he can't exist without exy' Day isn't M-O.

Come with me down this rabbit hole if you will. The moment we the readers find out about how much Andrew cares is the moment he says "I hate you". Because of this one "throw away" line in the first book "I don't care about exy enough to hate it".

I personally think this is the exact moment HE relieved he was in love with Neil. Because he realized he does care, he cares so much it hurts. And he hates that, he hates his feelings, he hates the fact that Neil makes him feel- makes him care.

And so he hates Neil, because he loves him, because he wants him. Because he cares for him.

you dont know if you'll make it back.

Listen, you know why Andrew loves Neil? Why Neil Abram Josten was the one Andrew would allow into his inner space, to allow growing roots where Andrew keeps the remaining fragments of his heart?

Because hardly anyone respects Andrew's boundaries. Renee does. Bee does. Wymack does. Andrew respects his own boundaries to the point of enforcing them at knife point.

But Neil? Neil Abram Josten?

He views Andrew's boundaries as sacred.

Renee, Bee, and Wymack would view crossing Andrew's boundaries as disrespectful at best and a violation at worst. They earned his trust that way.

But NEIL???

Neil views crossing Andrew's boundaries as a fucking sin. As blasphemous. A devoted disciple would sooner spit in their God's face than Neil ever conceiving of crossing Andrew's boundaries.

Some people would look at you erecting brick walls covered in barbed wire and would start looking for a good crack to aim a sledgehammer. Some people would watch you lock a door and try knocking, just once, to see if you'll open it for them. And some people would watch you draw a line in the sand and never dream of stepping over it.

Neil parked his ass on the other side of Andrew's barbed wired multi-layered brick wall surrounding his concrete bunker and stayed there, running his mouth. And when Andrew revealed the hidden door, Neil smiled, stayed put, and kept talking.

Andrew didn't fall for Neil because Neil wouldn't come in.

He fell because Neil waited for Andrew to come out, waited for Andrew to extend his hand, and waited for Andrew to lead him inside by his own volition.

And that's why Neil was the one who earned Andrew's "Stay".

you and that fucking wasp

Dame la certeza e iré a donde tú vayas

No me digas mil veces que me amas, házmelo sentir

Dime quién eres, qué quieres, muéstrate ante mí

Dame un pedazo de tu alma, la coseré a la mía

Déjame ser tu espejo, desnuda ante ti

Por siempre unidos, que me consuma esta chispa

I must sleep. Sleep is the mind-healer. Sleep is the big-life that brings total ability to fucking do anything. I will face my bed. I will permit the blankie to pass over me and snores to pass through me. And when sleep has gone past I will turn the outer eye to greet the new morning. When the sleep has gone there will be everything. Energy and will to live will remain.

Icebear!

AU where Neil never joined the Foxes, but ended up an Exites employee. He plays short one-on-one games with players who want to test their new racquets, and has inadvertently honed his skill against so many different types of players with different expertise. Andrew's group goes to get Kevin some new equipment, and Neil knows better than to play well against him. But Kevin forgets himself and gets a little too excited about testing out a new racquet, whipping the ball at Neil so fast that Neil instinctively slams it back hard enough to light up the goal on the opposite side of the court. Kevin is slack-jawed that some random retail worker scored against him so quickly and so easily and shuts down for a minute while his brain reboots. From a distance Neil swears he hears someone mutter "Interesting". Then Kevin's brain is back online and starts begging him to try out for their team. Neil realizes their is one thing worse than being recognized by Kevin Day and dragged back to his father: not being recognized by Kevin Day and trying to convince the grown ass man to get up off the floor and stop clinging to his legs and holy shit jackass, can you pretend to have some dignity??

aftg is eating up my brain so badly, I have a constant stream of ideas and I’m shit at actually writing them but I need to get them out of my system bc it’s suffocating, so:

• an au where king and sir turn out to be shapeshifters so andreil magically acquire two spoiled kids

• andreil saying to each other ‘IU’ instead of ‘I hate you’ or ‘I love you’ or anything else. they use it in every kind of situation bc it’s the testament of how much they feel about each other and that’s more important to them than anything else. they’re fighting? IU (I hate you, I’m scared for you, I’m scared of how much power you have over me, I still want you to stay) they’re having sex? IU (I trust you, I love you, I’m going to take care of you, I’ll make you feel good) they’re breaking down? IU (I’ve got you, I’m here, I’m going to stay, I’m going to help best I can)

• a fic where neil dies in baltimore and we see the aftermath told from his perspective as a ghost: introspection, character study, cannibalism, polaroids, inspired by strangers by ethel cain:

• neil taking great pleasure in buying andrew expensive things and seeing him use them, not out of possessiveness but bc he truly just wants andrew to be happy and taken care of. and andrew learning to accept those gifts bc neil never wants anything in return, not even gratitude

• neil getting drugged at eden’s by some stranger and proceeding to glue himself to andrew’s side. the next day andrew is frustrated by that show of trust and he asks how neil could know that it wasn’t him doing the drugging. to which neil replies that he didn’t know that, but he knew that andrew wouldn’t drug him or let anyone touch him without a good reason. so it was okay, he just needed to trust andrew’s judgement and stick by him. and then andrew realising just how much faith neil has in him and having a breakdown about it

• after neil’s bad days, andrew spoons neil and keeps his hand wrapped around neil’s throat while they’re sleeping. it makes neil feel safe and grounded and makes andrew drunk on trust and control (bonus scene: foxes witnessing this one day and completely failing at understanding their dynamic)

• neil getting into a habit of spitting after his time at the nest bc riko used to spit into his mouth and make him swallow it as a power play. whenever neil remembers it the thought of any spit in his mouth, even his own, makes him sick. so he spits

• whenever aaron is on the edge of relapsing instead of telling anyone he just trails after andrew 24/7 bc he knows his brother won’t let him destroy his life

• tlou au where andrew is traveling the world in search of his twin brother and he’s hired to transport neil somewhere. meanwhile, they fall in love with each other and they find out andrew was supposed to deliver neil into his father’s hands (andrew promised neil safety and he refuses to break his promise so this becomes the first job andrew ever failed)

• andreil breaking up and neil desperately trying to prove to himself that he can move on so he takes the page from andrew’s books and starts sleeping around, but he only succeeds in hurting himself and feeling miserable (they get back in the end bc I need them to be happy)

• OH MY GOD HORNY KANDREIL CLASSICAL MUSIC AU!! kevin (and neil?) playing violin and drew being freakishly good at playing every instrument he ever touches but especially the piano. kev giving a performance and andreil sitting in the first row, neil getting a hard on bc kevin looks so good in his suit, with slightly greying hair combed back and passion burning in his eyes. andrew discretely edging him on, palming neil’s dick through the fancy suit’s material and keeping eye contact with kevin the whole time

AND SO MUCH MORE AAAAAA. this is insufferable, I’m writing fics in my head to fall asleep and then I’m waking up literally quoting aftg (genuinely happened last week, I felt like a lunatic) and then I’m going to uni and I spend every lecture thinking about how I can use my degree to better write about those stupid murderous college athletes. what kind of crack did you put in this series, nora?????

I keep thinking about the Foxes taking a camping trip and learning that they can never take Neil Josten into the woods. He will 100% regress into a survivalist and Andrew is no help because watching Neil make his own tools to chop down a tree is not something Andrew Minyard is going to stop. Not when he can watch.

“You still don’t know how to sort your wash properly but you’ve domesticated a turkey.” - Allison Probably.

Can I also say how touching it is that Stede said he believed Ed would he happier without him, who, even in his fantasies, could only picture Ed wanting him as a picture of masculinity with a beard and no hesitation to kill. Stede still, deep down, doesn't understand why Ed would ever want him as he is.

But who did Ed see coming down to rescue him? It wasn't a manly recreation of Stede with a beard, masculine style and a killing spirit, it was a merman. Someone bright, colourful, by all accounts a rather feminine perception of Stede.

That was who rescued Ed. It wasn't who Stede thought he needed to be, it was someone soft, and bright, and graceful, and expressive. Someone feminine, someone queer.

I just think that's beautiful.

I don’t think I’ve heard anyone talk about it before, but I really love Nora’s writing style in how unique it is about revealing and describing things. We didn’t know neil’s natural hair and eye color until the end of the Raven king. Before that, it would mention him checking his roots all the time as he made sure none of it showed, but we were never told what color it actually was until it became a permanent part of his appearance. We didn’t know his height until the king’s men when compared to an opposing backliner. I know it’s easy to forget, but we didn’t actually know that his father was named Nathan, or that Lola was a person that existed (+ everyone else in Nathan’s inner circle, or that he even had an inner circle) , until their first scenes where they’re present. There are a lot more instances where this happens in the series, and I haven’t actually encountered another book that’s done this before and it’s really interesting.

So, i read the @gay-fae post about how sad it is that Ed doesn't know about the conversation between Stede and Chauncey, about the fact that Ed doesn't know that Stede wanted to protect him because everything he touches ends up damaged. That is so, so sad, but do you know what makes it sadder? Ed must think that the reason why Stede left him is because he is not good enough anymore.

We know Ed didn't want anything to do with being Blackbeard anymore, he just wanted to be with Stede, in the British Army or somewhere far, far away from everyone they knew, however, from his perspective, the moment he says that to Stede, he vanishes, and even though Stede said he didn't really like how cruel and indifferent Blackbeard was, Ed must think that he only wanted the status that came from being near the most feared pirate of all times.

Ed doesn't know the real reason why Stede left, he only knows that the second he stepped down from his role, he was abandoned. And maybe that is why he once more became Blackbeard, because he was finally convinced he's nothing if not a monstrous pirate. And maybe, a part of him thinks that if he comes back to the sea angrier and crueler than ever, maybe Stede will someday come back.

it’s the fact that ed doesn’t know. he doesn’t know that badminton kidnapped stede with the intent to kill him. he doesn’t know that stede was so filled with self-hatred that he ran back home because he believed what badminton said: that he defiled beautiful things. and ed is the most beautiful thing he knows of. ed doesn’t know that stede is completely in love with him and knows it now. ed doesn’t know stede concocted the most elaborate and ridiculous fuckery (with the help of his awesome wife) to fake his death just so he could sail off and find ed and be with him forever. because faking your death means you have no intention of ever coming back; stede faking his death was a commitment to ed. and ed doesn’t know that stede is waxing poetic about him and staring at the moon thinking about him and being oh so in love with him.

instead, ed thinks stede lied to him about ed making him happy. he thinks stede lied to him about how much he cared for him. he thinks stede just up and left, because he’s ed and no one good stays for him.

i think hozier IS a like a mythical forest creature, but not in the way most people think. like he's a creature who fell in love with a marginalized human person and came out of the forest into the real world and realized how fucked up everything is and tried to do the Prometheus thing of bringing us fire but it backfired and he's in constant battle with the fae gods and now has to watch his human lover die so he's constantly talking about the horrors of the human world, but this is the place that gave him his lover so how can he hate it truly?

So, First Light wasn’t the first (ha) song from Unreal Unearth to grab me, but a couple days ago it hit me like a truck and I have so many thoughts?

As an album closer, First Light is the exhale, the emergence from hell, but I think it’s also sorta about Hozier, or the narrator rather, romanticizing the mundane? Like, these lines:

One bright morning changes all things Soft and easy as your breathing, you wake Your eyes open at first a thousand miles away But turning shoot a silver bullet point-blank range And I can scarce believe what I'm believing in Could this be how every day begins?

The narrator wakes up in bed with his new lover. At first they’re groggy, then they see him, and BOOM, that look, the one of recognition/love that completely pierces him to the soul, that makes him question if this is real, if this can last

The sky set to burst The gold and the rust The colour erupts You filling my cup The sun coming up

… it’s just the sunrise. Pretty colors on the horizon, and his lover pouring him a cup of coffee. Such an ordinary act, a commonplace moment, yet it means so much more.

Like I lived my whole life Before the first light Like I lived my whole life Before the first light

And yet that’s enough, to overwhelm him with this sense of change, of this new version of himself, of new joy so intense it obliterates all that came before…

One bright morning goes so easy Darkness always finds you either way It creeps into the corners as the moment fades A voice your body jumps to calling out your name But after this I'm never gonna be the same And I am never going back again

That morning, that moment, is lovely, but it’s ephemeral. Darkness can and does return, it always will. But his lover calls his name, and he can’t help but respond to it, and be changed by it, this new self he shares with a lover, the new self he will become even if it ends.

The only way is forward, and that’s the beauty and tragedy of it all. It happens to almost everyone, at some point or other, and it’s so normal but it matters so much.

I'm convinced that Snow was the one who came up with the "rule change" in THG (idc what the movie did with it--they didn't know TBOSAS and it was less than convincing they way they did it).

Just think about it. We start off the Games with Katniss's courageous action volunteering for her younger sister. Then Peeta did something radical. He decided to follow through on his declaration of love to Katniss and did everything he could in the arena to save her. Getting sponsors, teaming up with the Careers, getting Katniss to leave and fighting Cato for her. Can you imagine what that was doing in the Capitol? In the Districts? How could you watch someone do that and not hope for a happy ending, even as Peeta lay dying in the mud, whispering Katniss's name?

And then Katniss teams up with Rue and is devastated by her death. She stays with her, sings to her, until she dies. Bolstered by Peeta's words about not being a piece in their games and finally getting what he means, she decorates Rue with flowers. She honors her life and her unnecessary death. District 11 recognizes this and even though they have another tribute alive in the Games, send Katniss the bread.

In Snow's mind, everything about the games is starting to crack. Young love being selfless, sisterly affection defying the Capitol, comradery fostering between districts. He simply can't let it go on. He has to remind people in the Capitol and the Districts that this is not human nature. He is going to prove that. So he tells Seneca Crane to announce the rule change.

He expects Cato and Clove to make it to the final two. In their new advantage, they will become a deadly, mostly healthy team. Meanwhile, Snow can see that Katniss doesn't hold the same care for Peeta that he does for her (she had tried to kill him with tracker jackers, after all). Even if she goes to find him, she'll abandon him once it gets too hard, too dangerous. The hope of love triumphing will be met with annoyance at his injuries and agreeing to stay behind and not get his medicine. And even if she does, he'll still be too injured to truly be useful.

But things go awry. Thresh saves Katniss because of her kindness to a little girl he, too, saw as a younger sister. He kills Clove, bringing about Cato's wrath. And Katniss Everdeen turns out to be a better actress than expected.

No matter, though--once the rule change is revoked, the truth of the stripped-down human nature will come out. Oh, Peeta will throw out the ravings of a teenage boy high on hormones, but people will remember how awful they truly are when Katniss puts an arrow through his heart. After all, Snow's made that decision before. His lover or himself. Death in the woods or life with riches in the Capitol. It's easy, really, to make that decision. And people will remember even the best among them, even she who willingly risked her life to get medicine or volunteer for her sister, won't avoid killing in order to survive herself.

But Katniss calls their bluff, and Peeta goes along with it. They've chosen to protest the Hunger Games with their deaths. Seneca makes the call to announce two winners. Really, Snow was going to kill him either way. Someone has to be publicly accountable for the place he's in now, and Snow certainly isn't going to take credit for his idea. After this, he tries and tries to get Peeta and Katniss to have to kill each other. The Quarter Quell. The hijacking. But it never works. And not just because of them, but because a whole nation finally stands up and says Enough. We won't let this go on anymore. In the end, Snow was entirely wrong because he never truly understood love.

Yes, yes, the "i forgive you," the "no nightingales," and the "nothing lasts forever" are all great lines. But to me, the most heartbreaking was this one

And not enough people are talking about it.

This is the moment where Aziraphale breaks. This is the moment he realises the severity of their conversation. The horrible consequences that could follow.

This is the moment where Aziraphale, for the first time in probably all 2 seasons, spoke from his feelings instead of his logic.

Accompanied by Michael's breathtaking acting, where in just 2 seconds, he managed to convey all the excruciating and tragic feelings that Aziraphale has been going through all this time. His eyes, relaying the utter pain Aziraphale is, and has been, feeling for a long time, that he's finally unable to control anymore.

This is the moment where we and Crowley understand that Aziraphale has been lying this whole time.

"He's not my friend. We've never met before we dont know each other." Yes, he is. Yes, we have. Yes, we do.

"Were not friends." Yes, we are.

"We have nothing whatsoever in common, I don't even like you." Yes, we do. Yes, I do.

This is the moment he admits that every time he's called Crowley a fiend, an enemy, evil, not his friend, he has been lying through and through in an attempt to hide what he really feels, what he really thinks, should by chance Heaven or Hell get a word of it. He has been lying every single time.

This is the moment where he lets his true feelings out. Prompted by sheer desperation and panic, he finally said what he's been denying for millennia.

"I need you"

"Hold me like water. Or christ, hold me like a knife", he put it into words the need the human desperation to be held and chosen and wanted and just be in your lovers arms to be chosen either way to submit to them no matter how they want you, to choose it no matter what, as long as it's them, as long as they want you.

I didn't want to leave, Crowley. I didn't have a choice. I'm doing this for you. For us. We're still on our side.

aziraphale's relationship with heaven vs crowley's relationship with hell in S2 serves as this beautiful, heartbreaking metaphor for the choice that so many queer people with unaccepting - and in many cases abusive - families find themselves forced to make. crowley has made the leap. he's cut himself off, and when they've tried to stay in touch or even bring him back, he's always resisted. "we're better than that, you're better than that!". in a way he's been through it before - he was rejected by heaven, and so it makes sense to him to take the opportunity to reject hell on his own terms. it doesn't come without consequence, of course. so many queer people find themselves having to suppress their identities until they're financially independent - cut to crowley living in his car. but he's made the choice, and he's free to do his own thing now. aziraphale, at the start of the season, is also more or less completely separate from heaven; we know from crowley "they don't talk to him anymore", and he's not making any effort to get in touch with them. but then when they ask him to come back, they manipulate him again. the metatron offers him coffee and then tells him "i've ingested things in my time, you know" - a world away from gabriel's "why do you consume... that?". he's assured that the things which he thought made him too... different, too not-good for heaven, are in fact okay. aziraphale was finally living his own life, far away from them, and doing the things he enjoyed, the things that they always shamed him for. but now he thinks, maybe he can go back and this time they'll accept him - it doesn't have to be like it was before! he's changed and maybe they have too, and if they haven't then maybe they'll listen to him! he can show them how to be better, he can make a difference. he isn't yet ready to face the reality that he can never be the person (well, angel) that they want him to be, not without losing sight of what makes him him. he might wish he could bring himself to say no, to cut them off, but he can't do it. because despite it all, he still has hope that they can change. and of course he does - years of trauma have told him time and time again that they're the good guys, after all. so he thinks, if they can't change, then who can? if they can't accept him, who will?

Everyone just thinks that hozier vibes are just cottage core with trees and animals and all that stuff, but i raise you Hozier's album vibes being:

Self titled: a beautifully old pub, with random guys in the corner screaming laughter with beers on their hands, a beautiful group of women happy in a table at the centre and a guy alone on one of the stools writing his diary

Wasteland, baby: a destroyed town due to some man made disaster and all that's left are ashes of what was once there and a couple that just fell for each other coming back to see what's left of it

Unreal Unearth: well maintained but abandoned cathedral at night with its affreschi coming off, a broken painting in the corner, and infinite history underneath it, a guy looking at all of it right after having his heart broken for the first time