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Kevin Day - Blog Posts
Sometimes you just want to see your favorite character, whom the writer has doomed to an unhappy future, just to be happy, you know?
Might do a fem KevJean fanfic with the beautiful fanart in here as inspiration...
Everytime I see more Kevin or KevJean content in here, more bright my day becomes.
Kevin Day edit with the song "Like Him" from Tyler, The Creater.
Imagine. The first part is about Wymack but then the end it´s about Kayleigh.
Do you see the vision?
One of the cats that Andrew and Neil adopts turns out to be the reincarnation of Seth and it's the grumpist but always willing to fight Kevin any chance (Kevin can't figure out why and andriel is so busy snickering to even think on why the cat doesn't like Kevin)
edit: cat also adores allison when ever she comes over
Sunny Andrew resting after workout 💪🌞
I was testing my pen at 3 am
hhshhahah lil andrew hahhahahuadhpah[df I’M SORRY BUT HAHHAHAH I CAN’T I was thinking about it for 2 days
Also, I think Nikki is nice (PROTECT HIM, HE IS A SWEET BUN)
And sad Kevin as bonus, why not (protect him too)
Hee hee Kevaaron for @sadboyayeron lol sorry it’s late I struggled 😭
We love a bit of a disaster bi Kevin day heheh 🌈
god knows what he’s thinking about…
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(In Andrew and Neil's new house)
Andrew, after an exy game: Kevin you can stay in the panic room for now.
Kevin: Wait you guys have a panic room?
Neil, a little shit : Kevin, any room you're in is a panic room.
So Nora imagined the tattoos to be in Arabic right? Which makes so much sense if you look at it from Kevin's pov.
Number 2 in Arabic looks like this, so turning this into a queen tattoo will be much more easier than using english numerals. Idk why I thought about this but I love this touch.
thinking about kevin mimicking jean (probably subconsciously) because he sees him healing and wants the same for himself.
except it never works.
he tries to learn how to cook but fails to manage anything presentable before he gives up. he learns about the bike and goes on long drives himself but it’s always in the raven car and he keeps having to pull over because it feels as though his hand is aching. he tries to go shopping with nicky but in the fitting rooms, it seems to him that black is the only color that suits his complexion. he thinks of jean’s trinkets but all the things that clutter his life are exy-related.
Okay okay but that scene with Kevin and Jean in the kitchen really got me.
The "I can still hear him. Can't you?" and "best not to think at all" And then also the whole just casual use of alcohol as preemptive coping mechanism.
Like we see Kevin's breakdowns through Neil's eyes, his fear, his famous declaration after getting his tattoo covered in a drunken stupor. But from Neil's perspective, it's almost distant - if that makes sense? What we glean from Neil is only what can be physically observed and Kevin is reluctant to discuss anything that is not immediately necessary for Neil's safety or the success of the team.
But with Jean it feels so intimate and very humanizing. Jean has sunk so much of his trust and his life into Kevin, and to see Kevin fail to live up to those expectations is jarring through Jean's pov.
Even with all the panic and the drinking etc, Kevin is still idealized in Neil's perspective. He is Kevin Day, he is the queen of the court, Riko's number two. He may be a mess the minute he gets off court, but that hardly matter in the face who he is on court.
But for Jean, Kevin is just Kevin and everything else comes after. He is supposed to be "stronger than Jean" not because he is the number two or the son of exy or whatever, but because he is Kevin as Jean has known him since he was 14. He is Kevin who withstood Riko's abuse long before Jean got there and long after. Kevin who allowed a little sliver of softness to sneak through by asking jean to teach him his first language. Kevin who seems to slip into casual physical intimacy with Jean like it's nothing, grabbing coffee mugs and allowing Jean's knuckles to press against his palms. It is not the perception of Kevin as an exy player who is failing but it is Kevin himself, a very human self, that is failing.
I've always kinda felt as someone who adores Kevin, we never really got a conclusion to Kevin's whole arc. Like yes, he played against Riko and yes, he covered up his tattoo, but it's so clear that Kevin is still not entirely coping. There are so many loose ends left with his character at the end of the first trilogy.
We get to see Neil fumbling his way to a semblance of self-acceptance and hopefully we get to witness Jean slowly healing, but I don't think we're gonna get that with Kevin in a way that I personally would find satisfactory. Such is the plight of being a non-pov character I suppose. That is to say that I need all the crumbs I can get.
see, the intriguing thing about kevjean is how insistent they both are that they aren't friends. they don't think anything is salvageable, that their friendship is in ruins because of what riko did and because of his ghost haunting them, but the way they treat each other is so explicitly tender that all their arguments fall flat.
it's about constantly reaching for the others hand.
everytime they are together their hands are reaching out to each other like anchors. in tsc this was such a sharp turn from kevin's behavior with the other characters because it was gentleness the likes of which we've only had glimpses of. in tgr, it was like they couldn't help themselves - immediately kevin took hold of jean's coffee mug, grabbed his wrist when helping him dress, jean teaching him how to cook, kevin taking jean's hand during the interview, jean stopping kevin's hand when he reached for more vodka.
it's about the way they talk to each other like they don't with anyone else.
"you've always known what i am." and "i can still hear him. can you?" and kevin's desperate "even with me?" when jean refused to talk about riko. its "california agrees with you." and "stay with me." and "you like the sound of your own voice too much to give this up." and "did you even read any of them or were you too busy fawning over his phot-" and "i will break it over your head" when kevin reached for more vodka.
it's the things they do for each other.
kevin's protective streak is uncommon enough that the interviewer chose to point it out. and kevin's only response was to put jean on the same level where people had previously been putting riko. "jean is the only brother i have left." that hurt jean because that's not how he feels about kevin, but in the long run that statement could work wonders for his reputation. kevin isn't baseless with the things he says, that was definitely calculated. even the "hannah. that is enough." was a harsher personality than he's ever shown the cameras. he sure kept his promise to jeremy there.
the way kevin fidgeted with the yellow wristband and turned over the postcards he'd given jean once only to see them destroyed. and then not hesitating to send another one so jean can have this at least (even though it was burnt away, he can always send more) he gave jeremy answers but stopped just short of exposing jean's secrets...the foxes see such cutthroat aggression from him because they're his teammates but in front of jeremy and jean it's so wonderful to see how much kevin truly cares.
and from jean's side it's the begrudging but deliberate care he shows kevin. god help him, he can't even hide it for a second because even jeremy noticed. it's like he tries to defy kevin but then all kevin has to do is ask and he shall receive. and the man knows it! but jean (and arguably neil) are the only ones who lash out when kevin self-destructs because "you're supposed to better than this." they want him to act like the pillar they've based their whole life around and seeing him in ruins is unnerving. the anger jean felt when he found out kevin was chugging vodka, the fight that ensued when they were both on edge but more importantly the easy way they moved past it.
it's inevitable that they say and do things that drive the other insane, but when it comes to, as jean put it, "unsubtle and idiotic devotion" they're always there for each other.
but they're not friends, no. and if you call them that they'll deny it till they're blue. but then again, their hands will always reach for each other in their own angered, careful, terrified or concerned manner.
this got super long but i enjoy their dynamic so much. i feel insane because this is how best friends who are deeply familiar treat each other; teasing jean about jeremy, pinching jean to clear his head, fixing his shirt for him and jean elbowing kevin when he wants answers and filling kevin's glass with tap water instead of filtered water out of annoyance. it's reminding me of one part of "using you" by mars argo:
no but really. riko's "lessons" on grief crumbling the second kevin finds out about riko's death though!!!! all of that suppression, all of the buried feelings, all of the time spent avoiding and hiding and concealing left to rise to the surface the second riko is dead!!!
i am convinced kevin freaks out in a way he's never freaked out before, in a way that sincerely shocks anyone who witnesses it, once he finds out riko is gone. in a way that subtly begs the question about inpatient care and an extended leave of absence and rehab. in a way that nobody else really understands because it was riko of all people to trigger this meltdown, but in a way that is genuinely terrifying
that codependency, even if undercut by relief that the abuse is over, does not go away without a freak out!!
-childhood in the nest anon
oh that's such a good point. Especially if Riko was successful in not letting Kevin mourn, if Kevin never really grieved his mother because Riko said, "You have me."
Like, what if the whole basis of Kevin's avoidance of grieving his mom was based on Riko saying, "So long as I'm here, you don't have to worry about her." Imagine every time he almost cried, every time he almost said I miss my mom out loud, Riko would grip his arm or his hand or his face and say something to the effect of, "Your grief is a waste of time and the only thing that matters is me, is us, is exy."
And then Riko's dead? And oh, he remembers this feeling that he'd only felt in vague bursts before, buried so deep he couldn't even be sure he felt it at all. The words, "Riko is dead," sound like "Your mom is dead". They found her body this morning. They found his body last night. There's nothing they could've done to save her. He was dead when the ambulance arrived.
It's like this doubled grief, all the things he'd never been allowed to feel for his mom suddenly coming back up, and like, these are feelings that Kevin thought he was too young to have felt. He thought he was too young to remember, he thought he was too young to understand but now he's reminded that, no, you felt it. You understood. You just weren't allowed to feel the monumental loss that you'd faced. You weren't allowed to work through this gnawing icy pain in your heart. And now that Riko's dead, you're allowed. You're free.
But now Riko's dead. Now Riko is dead, and his mom is dead, and fuck Riko for making him feel both of their deaths at the same time because he shouldn't exist in the same world that his mother does. The pain he feels for them both should be incomparable.
I like to imagine that for just a few moments after Kevin is told, he goes into shock, completely and utterly unable to function with the knowledge that Riko is dead.
"Riko killed himself last night," David says, and Abby is by his side for backup, for protection, for Kevin's safety. Betsy is on speed dial. "They won't tell me much, but they think it happened fast."
Maybe Abby nudges him because nothing he says will be okay, or good enough, or soft enough so as to not destroy Kevin. And he hears the words. He knew they were coming. They had to come, this was always going to happen. This was always how it was going to end. But his brain goes quiet and his hands go numb and he smiles a weak smile. He doesn't feel those words at all.
"Okay," He nods, like he's just been told that it's raining outside or he's wearing odd socks. "Thank you, Coach."
"Kevin, did you..." Abby's voice is soft as she reaches out. "Did you hear what David said?"
His eyes are empty, someplace far away, but his voice does not shake as he says, "I did."
For a while, maybe, they don't let him leave the room. He's quiet, disassociating, but not yet crying. Not yet throwing things around the room like David expected. Not yet begging for a bottle of vodka.
Does Renee come to the door first, or Neil? Does Abby answer the door because David asked her to, and what snaps him out of it? Is it Renee saying, "I called Jean. I told him to avoid the news," or is it Neil saying, "Have you told him yet?" that snaps him back into the real world, back to reality, to Jean can't find out, to Jean is alone, to Neil knows, to oh my god to this is real to Riko's dead and Riko's dead and Riko's dead.
Everything is familiar and nothing is the same. His body tells him he’s allowed to mourn his mom now, but he can’t handle it, and he can’t handle Riko being dead and Jean not knowing and Riko being dead and his mom isn’t here and he just. can’t. get his head around it. It’s all of a sudden messy and loud and confusing. He can’t let himself think about how Riko probably didn’t kill himself, he can’t ask himself why Neil knew before he did. He can’t believe it. If he believes it then it’s real and it’s his fault and who has him now? That was Riko’s job. To stop him from mourning so he could keep his eye on the prize and now he has it; They won the season. He put all his focus on exy, and look where it got him. All those lessons, all that burying of his feelings and compartmentalising to deal with it later hits him at once like a fucking truck and I think Kevin had the breakdowns of all breakdowns that day.
I think whatever happened to Jean on his own in that dorm room would’ve happened to Kevin, and more. He’s lucky that he wasn’t alone, I suppose, but it still doesn’t make it any easier. He’s tall, and he’s strong, and his head isn’t in the room when he’s throwing shit at the walls and screaming like it’ll help make things make sense. He doesn’t see where the chair lands. He doesn’t see who the books are thrown at. There is a chance that not one person in that room has ever seen anyone lose their mind so quickly, and intensely before. Because it’s not just Riko, it’s his mom, it’s his childhood, it’s his future, it’s his abuser, it’s his brother, it’s his identity and purpose and fuck, it’s Riko. Who is he without Riko?
If I keep going this will just end up far too long but oh lordy lord I think you’re absolutely right
Kevin Day falls into Raven habits without even realizing it. Despite his best efforts to adjust to a normal life. He runs laps to keep himself awake because he's never quite adjusted to 24 hour days. He struggles to eat anything he perceives as unhealthy despite his dependence on alcohol. When he gets frustrated he plays with a brutality ingrained in him since he was old enough to hold a racquet. He refuses to go anywhere without Andrew, without a partner. Do you think when he wakes up in the middle of the night, to a dark room, he looks over at the other bed expecting Riko to be there? Do you think he traces the ghost of a 2 on his cheek, hidden beneath a chess piece tattoo, out of habit? Do you think despite being a fox he feels as though he'll always be one of them? That, despite it all, he'll always be a Raven?
fandom talks a lot about kevin being a cult survivor and that shaping his personality & world view but a lot of the time the fact that he was also an abuse survivor on a personal level out of the conversation like even before riko broke his hand, he was very much abusing kevin, maybe not as blatantly and visibly as he was abusing jean, but it was still happening. that kind of persistent emotional and verbal abuse is so so damaging, and it can be even more insidious when it's coming from a "loved one." remember that at one point, kevin and riko considered each other family. they were children together, they loved each other. kevin loved and trusted riko as a brother, so when the abuse began mounting and mounting, it wasn't just coming from a teammate or coach, it was coming from someone he loves
i think sometimes people judge him way too harshly for his fear and coping mechanisms and attitude, but like. you can't ask someone who has suffered like that to be well-adjusted
i think maybe the reason so many people see kevin as a coward in comparison to neil is because... they are approaching the year the series takes place from vastly different mindsets. neil has already come to terms that he's running out of time. he knows he'll be dead by the end of the year and he has nothing to lose. he is, in comparison, unafraid/brave/whatever you want to call it, because he has already accepted the inevitability of death and so... there's nothing else to be afraid of.
but kevin – kevin is desperate to live. he's finally out of the nest and facing his first chance at a real life, and that means he has everything to lose. he has a new family, he has his father, he has a very precarious chance at freedom, and he has an abuser who is actively trying to sabotage all of that. to him, any act of defiance has the potential to take everything he has, including his life. you can't judge his character through the same lens as neil because it's entirely incompatible with him.
neil has nothing to lose and kevin has everything to lose, of course he's going to seem "cowardly" in comparison
okay okay okay…….
kevin day is 100% one of the loneliest people in the entire world. this is pretty much accepted. he grew up in an abusive household, the property of a family of monsters that didn’t bother to teach him how to be compassionate. the only affection or tenderness he likely received was from jean, who only gave it when kevin had been physically harmed, so there’s a good chance kevin equated kindness with pain. kindness with a punishment, whether psychological or physical. whether his pain or someone else’s.
oh? they’re joking around with me? this equals pain, yes? riko will make sure this equals pain.
so, let’s say he goes out of his way to avoid interactions with his new teammates, because with those interactions comes pain.
dan grins at him, asks him if he wants to go for lunch, but there’s the sharp slap of riko’s open palm against his cheek. renee smiles softly at him but all he can see his jean’s blood smeared across his fingers. matt nudges him with his elbow, asks him if he wants to play some video game, but there’s the heavy boot of riko’s heel on the back of his neck. allison isn’t so much kind as ‘your cheekbones could cut glass and your ass is the 8th wonder of the world’, but there’s the excruciating pain of every bone in his hand shattering.
then some fucko comes along, who grew up with the same lessons, the same punishments, the same strange vein of compassion and empathy. and suddenly, it’s all different. because he’s accepted, he’s a part of them. his past hasn’t made him unlovable, what he’s done hasn’t made him impossible to care about.
maybe - maybe. maybe kevin can have that too. kevin can have love, can have friends, can have a family. kevin can have kindness (or whatever andrew’s version of kindness is) and not have it be synonymous with pain.
imagine being kevin day, son of exy, born and bred to be a cog in the well-oiled machine that is the edgar allan ravens. all you know being the routine of practice and practice and practice and performance and victory alongside those you call brothers.
-and then one day you wake up in your estranged father's apartment between a bottle of painkillers and a bottle of vodka and there is a knot of bandages where your future used to be. you don't wake up at 4am anymore. you sleep until noon and vomit the remainders of life as you knew it into unfamiliar toilets. you watch orange and white clash against each other from sidelines you haven't touched since you started growing facial hair.
your brother doesn't ask you to come home. you would come if he asked. the days are longer here and the food is too rich. the colors are too harsh, the language barrier is too much. you speak and no one understands.
they feel sorry for you, but not for what you have lost, instead for what you have suffered. you try to show them what belonging means, to sever parts of yourself to fit inside a uniform, but they don't understand the necessity of the blade the way your brothers did. they don't understand that suffering feels religious if you do it right.
the therapist tells you it's survivor's guilt but the only survivors you can see are on the court in black and red and they read your eulogy after the game at a press conference. you are not a survivor in any way that matters anymore. how treacherous your heart is for continuing to beat when you can't even hold your lifeline in your hand without dropping it.
you want to go home but your key doesn't open the same door anymore. you want to sit beside your brother but there is no space on his side of the table. you want to be a raven but you are a fox.
you grieve for connection until there is a knife where your neck guard used to sit. you grieve for your life until a boy offers to show you how it feels to survive. you offer to show him how it feels to live. he tells you he won't sever parts of himself to fit the uniform, but there are telltale bloodstains in the fabric from long before you asked.
you wake up at 4am again. you take turns vomiting in the toilet, you when the alcohol level dips too low and him when his smile runs out. he doesn't speak your language but he understands it. he keeps the car running when you visit the therapist. he keeps an eye on your back to watch the 02 on your jersey turn orange. the colors don't seem as harsh anymore.
he offers you safety. he offers you belonging. he offers you the only thing he knows how to give, the only thing you know how to take.
he offers you a lifeline. you pick it up with your right hand.
This is how I want Kevin's book to be:
(Kevin is the angry kitten and andreil is the kissing kittens).
Oh nora I'm begging you on my knees please PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make that the kevin book is about finally someone or the foxes getting to understand him and help him overcome and get better, and make him gay while you're at it.
This is how Nora looks to me rn:
